The 5 is supposed to be an S

I was told to be more considerate & to try to see things from her perspective.

2012-02-03T23:46:00.002+11:00

So I went to the kitchen and looked out the window....

But I still don't see what the big deal is about anal sex....

Just kidding, I think its gross too. Also the double punch-line is like a double rainbow whoop whoop!

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What are women good for?

Girlfriends, aside from their obvious uses such as sexy times and having small appetites so you get one and a half courses at dinner, are also terribly useful for getting you tickets to things like this:

This is going to be so damn epic. I cannot wait. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. AND I'm going to make two life long friends by telling the people I'm sitting next to this funny joke:

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Doctor."

"Doctor who...."

Also, I've invented the best doctor who pick up line of all time. Women of the universe, should you see Ris you should thank her for taking an evil seduction mastermind off the streets and keeping you safe from charm. (see what I did there. I said charm instead of harm).

Anyway here's the line (but you won't get it unless you are a doctor who fan):

"Hey, can I tell you a secret? I actually hate the doctor... Which is why I'm so glad I found you. You give me the one thing that his sonic screwdriver can't defeat....."

So if you know any girls who are into Doctor who, and you want to bed them, just say this line to them and start unzipping your fly. In the highly unlikely even that it doesn't work, you can follow up with:

"I have to wear special Tardis underwear, otherwise it just won't fit...."

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News article title: Hobart set to get Korean suburb

Yes, this is real. It's seriously as if someone thought 'gee, Tasmania might never be as shit as Perth but we're going to damn well try'. In a matter of years the population of Korea-land will slowly dwindle as none of the locals will want to breed with them. After a few decades the Koreans will become mutated (I mean more mutated) and inbred. Which I suppose will make them real Tasmanians. So maybe it will all work out.

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Going to HK

So I'm going to HK tomorrow for about a week to see the sights and meet Ris's Mum. I'm not too daunted, I'm quite confident my natural charm will be sufficient, but I was wondering if you guys could answer a few questions on etiquette?

1. Is it considered, in any way, rude to voice the opinion that feng shui (Chinese thing about arranging furniture to harness energy and luck) is one of the stupidest things in the universe if Ris's mum believes in it?

2. How long, after making someone's acquaintance, is it socially acceptable to ask if you can marry their daughter?

3. You know in movies when the guy says to the mum "wow, I can see where X get's her good looks from". Is there any universe in which you can say this and not sound like Ultra Seedy Man 2000?

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Someone had a baby

Does anyone remember someone? My one and only memory of her was that one day she was coming back from Hockey on Wednesday sport or something and she had hockey socks on and I thought to myself 'That new girl with the weird face has kinda nice legs'. That is literally all I remember of her.

Yeah so apparently she had a baby. I'd just like to say a huge congratulations to her. And by congratulations I mean WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? YOU HAD A BABY? YOU'RE 23. YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED UNI. WHY THE FUCK. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO MED SCHOOL AND INTERN AND HAVE A BABY AT THE SAME TIME? WHY WOULD ANYONE DECIDE THAT NOW IS A GOOD STAGE IN LIFE TO PUSH A BABY OUT OF THEIR VAGINA. DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN HE'S 16 AND IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'LL BE 39. AS YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE THE YOUNGEST AND HOTTEST MUM ALL HIS FRIENDS WILL WANT TO FUCK YOU. ISN'T THAT DISTURBING? DID YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE GETTING KNOCKED UP? IF HE GETS AN AVERAGE LOOKING GIRLFRIEND ALL HIS FRIENDS WILL TELL HIM HIS MUM IS HOTTER THAN HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY WILL KEEP TRYING TO DO SCHOOL PROJECTS AT YOUR PLACE SO THEY CAN SEE YOU AND THEN, AS SOON AS YOU TURN AROUND, BANG. START MASTURBATING. HAVE YOU THOUGHT THIS THROUGH? INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BECOME PARENTS.

I was going to post a picture of someone and the baby, but I'm scared that I might be violating some child porn laws and maybe there are baby porn laws or privacy laws or something. So just go facebook her yourselves.

Also, the kid's name is Aiden... If he has a Jamaican friend his Jamaican friend could just say "heeyy thennn" in a Jamaican accent, which is pretty cool. So I can see that you've at least given some thought to this kid.

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Media Section!

I love me a good pun.

For those that don't know congress recently passed legislation that classified tomato sauce on pizza as a serving of vegetables for nutritional purposes.

So this girl posted pictures of her journey from 197 to 124 pounds, or as I see it her journey from being a sub human fat mutant thing to a real human being who has feelings and deserves respect. Also note the tremendous difference between 132 and 124. The last 8 pounds is worth like 3/10 points in hotness.

Is there something wrong with me if this made me giggle like a little girl for like 5 minutes?

Email to feminist. Watch hissy fit. Profit.

Look at this guy. Then look at the video below.

Okay so the loincloth thing is disturbing. But. The lyrics are freakn awesome. Watching this video made me think of Ambrose. I wonder how he's doing these days. Also, whilst writing this post I've been listening to this rather loud and on repeat. My neighbours probably think I'm hard/gangsta now.

I wonder how old my kid will have to be before I can do this with minimal and acceptable psychological damage.

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Cheers guys,

Wish me luck in Hong Kong. There will be Chinese people there. I hope I don't catch rudeness.

Damien!

I bet being Muslim is really tough.

2012-01-27T22:57:00.003+11:00

That's why they call it jihad. As in...jihard. See what I did there? It's funny because all Muslims are terrorists.

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If I had one wish, it would probably be for a smaller, less obtrusive penis. If I had two wishes, the second would be for Serena Williams to either lose weight or wear a much, much longer skirt. If I wanted to watch a cave woman I'd turn on the history channel and watch a documentary. Or if I really felt like seeing Williams I'd put on an old episode of Pokemon with jynx.

'The forest called me and asked for it's tree trunks back, but I said no, I need my legs to play tennis'

I felt a huge sense of relief when during a match between Sharapova and Kvitova the commentators reported that despite being ranked lower, and having won less championships and titles; Sharapova's total earnings through sponsorship and endorsement were more than triple that of Kvitova's. The morale is that in women's tennis, and also in every other aspect of life, the primary determinant of success for a woman is her hotness. The world is good.

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Christianity

One of the biggest questions I've always had regarding Christianity is about the whole died for our sins thing. That's sort of like saying my friend stole a car but I'll go to jail on his behalf so its all magically good and forgiven now so... yay! :) lets go suck on God's penis together. But the one big question that I've always had, the one that's really made me question everything has finally been answered. Here you can read about what the bible has to say about: The Danger of Pokemon Fascination. And this isn't some crazy group of extremists; it's from www.bible.com! Here's my favourite bit:

"Since it is a role playing game, some of the characters are not good and this opens the door for children to receive evil influences and even demonic invasion."

I was going to leave it there but I just can't resist the urge to shout: 'YOU GUYS ARE SO RIDICULOUSLY SILLY.'

I haven't had a good Christian chat with anyone in a while, so if you are Christian and not retarded (yes there are some who fit both these seemingly contradictory criteria) and you are up for a chat please give me a yell. I promise there will be no pokemon games, trading cards or soft toys to corrupt your pure and godly soul.

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Sushi Yum!

So there's this sushi place really close to our place called Sushi on Stanley. It is ridiculously good food at ridiculously cheap prices. It's so good that I don't even mind the owners and chefs actually being Korean. I wonder how it feels being Korean and knowing that no one wants to eat yuckky kim chi and that you have to pretend to be Japanese (which is basically a higher level Asian) in order to have a successful restaurant.

------------------------------------------

Observation:

When it is raining, there is a dramatic reduction in transvestite infestation numbers.

Conclusion:

Transvestites, like witches and other unholy spirits do not like water.

Resolution:

Buy water pistol. Carry everywhere.

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So, the Professional Wingman Association

is a real thing. You hire one of them and he follows you around to bars and stuff to tutor and wing man you. This would be the best job ever! Imagine the job satisfaction of helping a loser score a girl that's much too hot for him!

But after much thought, I am faced with the sad realization that this is something I can probably never accomplish. Disappointing. Let this be a lesson to all of you who say things like 'gee I wish I was as good looking as you are Damien' or 'really good looking people like you having nothing to complain about' - it's not all fun and games being super handsome, I could never be a professional wingman because all the girls would just want me instead of the person I'm trying to wingman for. Fail :(

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Media Section whoop whoop!

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I love trolls. There is very little on the Internet that can make me laugh like a good troll.

Yes, the Sh*t [insert minority] says meme is getting old, but guys it's Samuel L Jackson. How could I say no?

Again, some pretty excellent trolling work.

Racism is always funny. Always. By the way, you have to click this one because its a .gif

I found this picture really funny because after I read the top bit before scrolling down, I really did make that face and have that thought run through my head. I'm awesome.

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That's a wrap folks.

Cheers,

Damien

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

2012-01-17T18:18:00.006+11:00

They taste funny. [pause for laugher...] [blog post continues...]

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Dubai has awesome gyms

I think I would actually go to the gym if I lived in Dubai, I have this thing where I like to reward funny puns or good advertising or really bad advertising. A Gym owner in Dubai thought a picture of the infamous Auschwitz concentration camp would be a great advertisement poster for his gym. What? Why? How? What's the connection between a gym and a concentration camp??? Well. 'it's like a calorie concentration camp' said the owner. Seriously. THE CAPTION IS: 'where calories go to die'. Hilarious!!!

As expected the campaign has drawn heaps of criticism from pretty much everyone but I would like offer this one, very valid, point in it's defence:

1. The people who are offended by the campaign are the Jews.

2. Jewish people, being notoriously cheap (Sort of like the western version of Asians), are unlikely to want gym memberships anyway.

3. As such, the campaign will probably not have a negative effect on membership.

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Ansel Neons

As some of you will know, one of the brands that I work with is Durex, whose main competitor Ansell has recently released a new glow in the dark condom. Now I know glow in the dark condoms aren't anything new, but it really got me thinking. Why the fuck would anyone want a glow in the dark condom? I mean, I'm almost always aware of where my penis is and really don't need illumination to help me find it. Unless your girlfriend has a secret 'likes to pretend she's being fucked by an alien' fetish - I really just don't see the appeal.

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Tranny Adventure 2!

Email to: council@cityofsydney.nsw.gov.au
From: damien.yong@hotmail.com
On: 17th January 2011

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you as a concerned local resident regarding the intersection of Bourke and William streets in Darlinghurst.

As you may be aware, the street corner on which Miss Chu’s is situated is often frequented, by transvestites. This posses a serious risk to the safety of local residents as just the other day I was attempting to cross Bourke street but was unable to check the right side of the street as this would mean looking at transvestites* (attachment 1) – something which I’m sure you’ll agree is even more disturbing than an overweight girl in tight or revealing clothing*(attachment 2). Risking serious personal injury and loss of life I crossed the road after only checking for traffic on the left, transvestite free side. Luckily, in this instance, there was no oncoming traffic and I was able to cross uninjured.

As you no doubt now appreciate; the severity of the situation and the potential risk it posses is not to be underestimated and as such; I would recommend that a pedestrian crossing be installed as soon as possible. I believe that if the local council works with the community we can avoid a tragic accident.

Sincerely,

Damien.

p.s If you were wondering why I did not cross at the traffic lights a mere 10 metres away the reason is that this would have involved walking past the transvestites and I, along with at least some other residents in the area, value my anal virginity and would be loathe to see it forcibly removed from me by a transvestite. With it’s penis. In my bottom. This is why despite the traffic lights, a pedestrian crossing is desperately needed.

Attachment 1 - Hand drawn diagram of situation

Attachment 2 - Photo taken from plussizedclothing.com

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Media Section

Good continuation of the meme. The notebook is not unrealistic you bitch.

No words can describe this video. Just no words. Also to pre-empt Lakshamn; No. The asian guy does not look like me.

Cat videos are actually pretty nice. Payoff after 30 seconds.

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That's all folks.

Damien

If you believe in the 2012 Apocalypse thing...

2012-01-04T23:32:00.003+11:00

Please stop reading my blog, your stupidity is without limit and knowing that I must count you as a ‘fan’ is detestable. I would rather have sex with Nicki Minaj.

In a much happier spirit, I hope everyone had a merry Christmas and wish you all a very happy new year. Unless you are black in which case I just hope you don’t steal my car. If you are black and thinking of stealing my car please contact me as I will happily pay you a small amount of both fried chicken and watermelon to refrain from doing so.

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The New Place

So Ris and I have moved out to a new place in Darlinghurst, about 2 minutes walk from Hyde Park. It’s a nice little apartment that is pretty perfect except for one minor inconvenience: The block is about 30 metres away from Miss Chu’s Vietnamese rice paper rolls store. Miss Chu’s is mainly famous for fresh, healthy Vietnamese food, such as its signature roast duck rice paper roll thing. It’s also famous for being a prime hang out location for transvestites on Friday and Saturday nights. I have already had two encounters.

Encounter 1: Friday night

Me: Holy crap, what the short skirt of the universe?

Ris: That’s a dude.

Me: Awww come on… for fucks sake…. If I never see something like that again I’ll be happy.

Encounter 2: the next day.

Me: I saw this weird girl outside that looked like Zooey Deschanel. Unless it was a dude again (jokingly)

30 minutes later we go out.

Me: Hey there she is. It’s not a dude right?

Ris: Dude. 100% dude.

Me: ARGH FUCK GROSS FUCK, SERIOUSLY FUCK.

Ris: Yeah if he didn’t have his wig, make up and skirt on he’d look exactly like the Dean from community.

Why do transsexuals exist? They are an abhorrent blight upon the universe. The only possible silver lining is that since I now have a gay friend, I've been looking for a new illness to discriminate against and I do believe I've found it. Unfortunately I don’t really know or hang out with any ‘trannys’ so it might be hard to make jokes about them. Does anyone still keep in touch with Tian Lin from high school?

It was never a question of whether or not she had a penis, but rather whether or not she had/has a regular Asian one or a giant black one. My money is on the latter

Whilst he transsexual infestation does reduce my utility substantially, it is slightly mitigated by the presence of a Thai restaurant downstairs called Best Thai 2. I really want to order delivery but I’m afraid the delivery guy will judge me seeing as how it’s only a 30 second walk from the apartment. Maybe one day, if I’m just too… Thai-ered….

On that note, I bet I can score free prawn crackers and stuff as well because I’ll befriend them with my witty puns.

“This place is really clean and nice… You guys must Thai dee up a lot.....”

“Very funny sir, please enjoy free prawn crackers with your order”

“Hello, I think I’ll have the Massaman curry with a large rice today, I’m migh Thai hungry....”

“Sir, just knowing you exist makes my life a bit brighter, please enjoy free prawn crackers with your order”

“Hi, I was looking at your menu online and just wanted to check that all these prices are correct… it just seems too good to be true. I thought maybe it was a Thai po......”

“Thank you. For the compliment and the pun. What is your name such that I might name my first born child after you”

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Also

The window in the bedroom faces this dodge rape alleyway where last night as I was just getting ready for bed I heard some guy peeing, he had a very good flow. Drunken urinators be warned: I am going to buy a 100 Nerf dart refill pack and protect my rape alley from you. Even Batman had to start somewhere.

Speaking of Batman, many of you will be wondering whatever happened to my Jury duty adventure. In one word: nothing. Nothing at all. Not only was I not picked – no one was picked. We all just sat there in the jury room waiting the entire day for the judge to call us in to be either picked or rejected, at the end of the day it turned out that the scum bag lawyers both prosecution and defence worked out some sort of plea bargain so we were dismissed.

Needless to say I was tremendously disappointed. Not only in the Jury system, but also in the jury pool – aside from myself and this one girl there was absolutely no attractive people. And she was reading a Stephen King novel so she was clearly an aspiring psychopath.

All in all a truly crap experience. They should have called it Jew-ry duty.

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Nathan Section

So the girl he likes has gotten taller, which one might think would be good thing as her giant forehead is a bit further away and thus might gain the illusion of being smaller but alas, no. It gigantism continues to defy conventional logic and the laws of time and space. Her forehead is basically the size of Nathans entire head.

I know this because Nathan had a few of his friends over for a barbeque. They were all sitting in the lounge room so I walked over to do some trolling.

Nathan pre-emptively said “Don’t be embarrassing, I don’t annoy you when your friends come over.”

To which I replied in mock outrage “You don’t annoy me!? What about that time my friends came over and saw you playing with mum’s dresses and make up?”

His friends then proceeded to laugh and he had a slight fml face on.

Mum shouted/scolded at me from the kitchen “Damien!”

Nathan smugly said “hah now you’re in trouble you idiot”

Mum adds “I told you to keep that to ourselves!”

Nathan now adopts a super fml face.

Trollololol. Good job mum!

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Media Section!

Well said sir, well said. Shouldn't it be spelt?

Best billboard ad for a law firm ever.

This was from a Spanish Jerry Springer type show. It is real. Apparently there's a subculture that thinks that pokemon are real.

I want to buy this car because of this ad. Power over advertising for the win.

This video is cool and the punch line is good also.

That's all folks.

Damien

If a tree falls on a woman but no one is around to hear it...

2011-11-26T16:28:00.000+11:00

What was a tree doing in the kitchen?

Just a quick one from me this week, you'll find a somewhat amusing work story, some stuff about Herman Cain, a brief Nathan section and last but not least a bit of crimination (being the opposite of discrimination).

Work story

I had to get some vehicle registration papers for work which involved calling up the new girl in that department whom I've not met. So I call her extension and am shocked to hear an extremely sexy English accent on the other line telling me that I'll have to come to her desk so she can write me a letter. Immediately in my mind I pictured this girl as something like:

So I ask for directions to her office and knock on the door. To my immense confusion, sitting there is this morbidly obese (at least size 14) girl. I asked if she knew where the car lady was and she said it was her and I said 'oh.. ok'. The morale of the story is that I automatically assume that people with hot accents are hot but in many cases they are not. I think, in the spirit of fairness, women who have hot accents but are ugly should append: 'p.s. I'm sorry to inform you that despite my accent, I am not hot' to the end of each conversation where there is no face to face contact. In situations where communication is face to face the offending woman should still apologise.

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Nathan Section

I know I should troll harder targets and not pick on Nathan's friends but I think it's allowable under the overarching umbrella goal of embarrassing Nathan.

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Herman Cain

For those who don't know, Herman Cain is a Republican candidate for presidency in 2012. I think. It might all be some elaborate hoax, because this guy just cannot be for real. For example, this campaign ad is just so tremendously ridiculous that it must be some sort of satire and yet it can be found on their official campaign website. It just doesn't make any sense.

But that's not to say I don't love it. I do. For those with excellent taste in music like myself, you will be happy to know that the song is in the ad is called 'I am America' by Krista Branch and can be viewed here with endless looping. Lyrics to my new favourite song can be found here. Loyal readers, you are welcome.

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Crimination?

Those who know me know that I've always tried to be fair and compassionate to everyone. Sadly I've come to the realization that despite my best efforts I have, on several occasions, discriminated against homosexuals. I make it a point to always provide mockery where it is due, whether it be Christians and their silly 'beliefs' or ugly people with their ugliness, but I've always held back a bit when it came to gays - out of a fear of being truly offensive. By not discriminating against this subset of individuals, I have discriminated against them, I've unconsciously expressed a view that 'homosexuals are weak and incapable of withstanding my mockery' and that just isn't fair. When you get to know them (I have a gay friend now), they're actually pretty close to real people. I will rectify this today. Also, since I have a gay friend, the following paragraph must be viewed as happy satire and not bad evil hate speech. Which is good. Anyway:

Daniel. You are gay. This is a fact. There is no denying this. The way you walk, talk and your overly expressive hand gestures all provide concrete proof. I, along with anyone who has ever met you, know this to be true. Let me tell you that there is nothing wrong with being gay*, it's not some horrible disease like being Korean. So please, come out of the closet. I know there are nice clothes and shoes and things like that in there but if you come out, maybe, just maybe, you can find a nice penis to nom nom nom.

I have chosen not to include your last name, partly for your sake in case you aren't ready to come out, but mostly because I don't know what it is. I don't like you very much. But not because you are gay, because you are just plain irritating. Another benefit of not revealing your last name is that in a social setting I can pretend that I was referring to another Daniel in case you read this and decide to gay out and throw a super hissy fit.

End of topic.

*I mean to say, 'there's only a reasonable amount of stuff wrong with being gay. For example; anal sex'.

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New topic that is completely unrelated to the previous topic.

Why do people write food blogs? There are as pointless as Tasmanian girls' hymens and I have no idea why anyone would read them or care in the slightest about your pretentious restaurant reviews. Food bloggers, like Nazi's have no place in society.

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Media Section

Puns like this make me wonder if I love puns or trolling more

Chris Fung, if you become a teacher, I expect stories of this calibre

I find the notion of kids appealing. But I find the notion of fat Ris appalling. Catch 22 :(

Good news - this amazing video exists

Bad news - this video exists also

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And that's it. I'll leave you with a question that I was pondering the other day; What is the bigger turn off in a girl?

1. Being fat.

2. Smoking.

The end.

Damien.

p.s Should women who are both fat and smoke cigarettes be euthanised?

Thinking of the title takes almost as long as writing the post

2011-11-22T00:02:00.006+11:00

So Ris is away on a vision quest with her Campus Bible Study friends (Maz etc). I hope they don’t manage to convert her or else their God will start cock blocking me. The Catholic God (with his no sex before marriage policy) must be the universe’s biggest cock blocker, the bastard. Anyway, as usual it’s been quite some time between posts, so there’s plenty to read about. Enjoy.

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Hawaii Adventure

So the company sent me to Hawaii for a five day conference which involved one day of presentations, half a day of team building exercises and otherwise free time. During said free time I wondered the main CBD area which is where I had possibly the most painfully awkward moments of my life.

Victoria's Secret - or, how to create an 8 layer awkward cake.

Step One: I walk past Victoria's Secret and pause to think to myself 'hmm should I get Ris some lingerie...? Is it awkward...? Is it... seedy...? Is lingerie the gateway to weird S&M shit, cause I don't want that...' Then I realise that I've been sort of pacing back and forth and mumbling to myself but I don't think anyone saw so its not too bad.

Step Two: I sheepishly enter store whilst looking left and right hoping no one from work is around to see me enter. I imagine this is how men feel when entering strip clubs.

Step Three: I'm greeted by the overly cheerful and somewhat overweight shop assistant and I say to her 'I'm looking for some lingerie'. She nods with a slightly quizzical look on her face and I realise that I need to clarify with 'for my girlfriend'. I feel relieved. She looks relieved.

Step four: She asks, "So what were you looking for exactly?" "Umm I think she likes garters" I say. This is a lie. I like garters. Unbelievably the girl who works at a lingerie shop does not know what a garter is. I proceed to awkwardly explain that a garter is a thin piece of fabric that goes around the thigh. To which the girl informs me that they don't have any. But not before conferring with another sales girl, 'Hey Lisa this guy wants a garter, do we have any garters?'.

Step five: The salesgirl then shows me some of their other stuff and eventually, after discussing what I think is sexy and what I don't like (Have you ever explained your sexual preferences to a stranger. Its strange), and looking through the entire store, we settle on one particular bra and underwear combination. At this point I think the ordeal is almost over, but I am wrong.

Step six: Salesgirl then asks me what size Ris is. I answer with the blankest look ever. I want to say 'She's not as fat as you' but in my heart I know that would not be the right thing to say. So I say 'Ummmm... she's sort of Lisa's size'. So we call Lisa over. We decide that Ris is obviously a Medium for the underwear part which is nice and straightforward. Then the girls ask me about Ris's boobs.

Step seven: I have no idea what size Ris's boobs are. They're about the size of my hand. I look at Lisa. She looks at me. Before I realise what I've done I look down and there I am, holding out my hands in front of me 'air groping' her in order to compare sizes (to air grope, hold both hands in front of you like you are about to catch a basketball and then try to mould them around imaginary boobs). I realise what I am doing and feel immensely awkward, so I quickly say 'they're about the same as yours, maybe a bit smaller'. So we decide that she's a 34 C.

Step eight: Pay for lingerie and have it placed in a bright pink Victoria's Secret bag which I then carry back to the hotel and sneak into my room and suitcase, all the while hoping desperately that I don't run into anyone from work. Luckily because I am a ninja I evaded them all.

I got her that, minus the rose crap and the sleeves. I think Ris does it better than Adriana Lima but perhaps I'm biased because Ris lets me sexy times her. Adriana Lima might not.

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The Rural Juror (+10 internet points to the first person to name the reference)

My friends very soon I will be partaking in what I believe is citizenship’s greatest privilege; jury duty. On November 24^th 2011, I will get to send someone to jail! Whilst many would think this might depend on the case at hand, the quality of the legal defence or perhaps the opinions of other jurors – please make no mistake: I will dispense righteous justice and send some delinquent piece of trash to jail. I know jurors are supposed to be impartial but my reasoning is very straightforward; if you are a person who is brought to court to face criminal charges of any description, then even if you are innocent of those charges you are still inevitably trash. The mere act of being accused and brought to court tells me that you are a dodgy chap whom I would prefer behind bars. This is because decent people don’t get accused of rape/assault and even if they are accused the subsequent police investigation should absolve them if they are good peoples, thus it only gets as far as court if they’re trash.

My actions will undoubtedly make the streets just that little bit safer. So, you're welcome. At this point in the readers’ mind comparisons to Batman are unavoidable, but that’s ok because such comparisons would be accurate and deserving.

I do have some questions for those of you who’ve studied law;

If the defence lawyer makes an objectionable statement and the prosecution fails to object. Can I, as a juror, stand up, point to said defence lawyer and scream ‘Objection!!’ – I’m not stupid I know the answer is probably no, I'm just curious as to what penalties I might face – surely for the first offence the judge is obliged to issue a warning before an actual penalty. If this is the case then I've got one good, game changing moment of yelling objection to turn the tides of popular opinion.

What penalty, if any, might I face for convincing another juror to play the penis game with me (you take turns saying penis slightly louder than the previous attempt to see who can say it the loudest).

In Australia is there the bit where the judge says ‘Mr Foreperson of the jury, what say you’ or is that just an American t.v. thing?

Also, how does one become the foreperson?

Also, when I am the foreperson can I read out the verdict in my Batman voice?

Also, can I say ‘In the matter [blah blah] of we find the defendant [blah blah] not guilty ........................... nah jokes we find him totes guilty… you going to jail bro, u mad?”.

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Deepa

So Deepa (a 5/10 girl from my high school) is getting married to a guy who really really, really really looks like Mr Bean. I msged her on facebook and asked her how things have ‘bean’ going. But she didn’t reply. Probably thought I was beaning immature. Side note, perfect wedding gift – a beanie!

Also, it just occurred to me that when they have sex, he's the one who moans 'deeper, yeah deeper...' and not the girl. Hilarious!

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Nathan Section

Nathan was playing SC2 with this girl named Bianca (7/10)* and they were on Skype so I loudly said ‘Nathan is Bianca the one you said had a really hot body… Cause you went on and on about it but she just looks average in her display picture’. He said ‘screw off you idiot, she knows you’re just being stupid’ which means ‘haw haw very funny sir, you got me there’ in the language of today’s youth.

*is it weird for me to rate Nathan’s yr 10 school friends… I suppose a little.**

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IKEA Tempe

I heard on the radio that once you enter IKEA Tempe you have to walk 2.5km before you reach the exit. This had better not be true because give my past experience of IKEA, I am liable to start throwing a tantrum after 1km of useless homemaker shit. Faced with the prospect of another 1.5km of it I may just start yelling and crying and rolling around on the floor like this:

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Media Section! (click to enlarge)

I know I shouldn't make fun of Koreans or flat chested people. But I repeat myself.

Trolling should become a sport

I seriously love trolls, even though this probably isn't real :(

Hilarious. He even wipes his hands a bit.

Pretty lame video until about 1.44 where it make me laugh out loud.

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That's a wrap. In the next post expect a healthy discussion on gay rights, Herman Cain, and whatever other random adventures I get up to.

Damien.

The Islamic team on Australia's Amazing Race are the bomb!

2011-05-28T23:11:00.000+10:00

I hope they get 'randomly' searched at every airport, and will be severely disappointed if they are not. The show in itself is not too bad, albeit very cringe worthy at times - its as if they actively tried to find the most unflattering and exaggerated Australian stereotypes for the show. One of the girls on the 'models' team looks like a pornstar though :)

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Shang's Joke

So Micheal Shang read and enjoyed the blog and posted some fan mail in the form of a very appropriate joke which I'll paraphrase here;

'In Sydney a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats. A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country lived on the second floor and they too all perished in the fire. On the third floor 4 aboriginal families also perished. One white couple lived on the top floor, they survived.

Relatives of the deceased and members of the community were furious and demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims and Aboriginals died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The chief of the fire department replied; 'They were at work..'

Man, that guy dislikes minorities more than the average person. Which I imagine is a lot.

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Random thought

When guys buy after market mufflers for their cars aren't they essentially 'downgrading'? Since their new muffler muffles sound less effectively?

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Blind Justice

So this Iranian woman was blinded with acid by a man after she refused to marry him. Iranian courts have ruled that she will be allowed to blind him with acid in a nice literal interpretation of Sharia 'eye for an eye' law. That's pretty fucking epic in my opinion, tough justice is good justice. But theres an even better twist! Iranian courts have ruled that she will only be able to blind one of his eyes because 'each man is worth two women, they are not the same'. Whilst I do think this is an extreme case of sexism which is unacceptable, the thought of Janet's face when she reads it puts a delightfully satisfied smile on one's face. But its still not cool Iran, you've taken a beautiful thing (sexism) and taken it too far making it seem somehow... unsavory. Shame on you.

Read the full article here, but be warned of some graphic and very unattractive images.

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The troll says rawr

In other fan mail news, Mel Wu is apparently unchanged since high school. An individual of extremely high trolling potential. Its a bit long, but trolling is always fun.

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Media Section!

"No, I don't have any cake/pie atm".

Mel K made a dance video!?!!?!

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And that's it for today's post, still feeling a bit sick and headachey so going to go had a sleepy times.

Cheers, Damien

So I had this dream...

2011-05-15T12:16:00.001+10:00

And in it, there I was climbing a mountain with the guys from The Hangover and a whole bunch of other people when suddenly Protoss motherships appeared and started killing everyone because I was so bad at Starcraft 2. That's right, I'm so bad at SC2 that in my dreams the race I play tries to kill me for it. fml.

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Anyway, I called my Japanese friend after the earthquake/tsunami to see if he was okay, but he just kept talking about his social life. Something about a huge rave.

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I ran into Lily Chen the other day at uni and was very surprised to learn that she is now tutoring some Econ subject. I was even more surprised to learn that Rebecca Vo is apparently getting married. When Lily told me I said Neigh, it canter be true. Those of you who went to Ruse will undoubtedly remember the perplexing case of Rebecca; a reasonably hot body, but with a horse face and thus defying any attempts at a ratings consensus. In the mane it doesn't matter anymore and congratulations are in order especially considering how long she was single for, kudos to getting back on the saddle Rebecca.

---

It's winter ish now so here's a handy informative tip: Butter-menthols and Soothers don't actually do anything because they aren't medicated. Strepsils has antibacterial and anesthetic ingredients which officially classify it as medicinal which is why it has to be registered with AUSTR. This is why Strepsils shits on butter-menthols. Another handy tip is that girls should all start wearing boots because boots are sexy. Also, being sexy is the determining factor in whether or not a girl will be successful in both social and working situations.

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Nathan Section!

It's Nathan's birthday at the end of this month and I'm was at a serious loss as to what to get him. But then, inspiration struck. What does Nathan want more than anything in the whole world? Well, if we look at his crush on Ryder (the girl with the giant forehead) and if we look at his obsession with Selena Gomez (see below) we can clearly see that my little brother has a giant, giant forehead fetish. Does anyone know where I can buy an inflatable sex doll with a giant forehead?

"My forehead is about the same size as the rest of my head. I should have super brain powers."

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Media Section

After watching the following video I was inspired to start a new blog! It came to me as I reflected on how; as ridiculous as this song is, that level of ridiculousness is pretty much on par with some of the tenants of Christianity. Also this song is catchy, and the rap bit at 2:36 is simply too cool for school.

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Evil sister is evil

That baby is doomed, so very doomed.

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Oh Japan, you've done it again

Across the country hundreds of businessmen are embracing their furry natures and pretending to fuck animals. Japan is like New Zealand with better tech.

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Rhianna doing what Rhianna does

This reminds me of something I haven't done in a little while... Unfortunately Ris is sick right now with a blocked nose and sore throat so.. we can't eat chips.

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One more Japan video

Its funny because of the way the ghosts run and also because the guy gets bat shit crazy scared. I think this prank had a huge potential to backfire if the guy started to Rambo those ghosts with his foldable chair.

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Cheers guys, hope you had a laugh.

Damien

p.s I don't know if Rebecca was single for a long time, I just wanted to say that saddle thing.

I walked past an Aboriginal sitting on the ground...

2011-02-23T23:21:00.001+11:00

He asked, "Any change mate?" I said "No, sorry. You're still black".

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A couple of teenagers are missing from Granville Boys High School after the alleged knife attack on another classmate. Police are hesitant to accuse anyone or take a stab in the dark and are now poking around for more information.

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On a serious note, I think the hearts and minds of all Australians have to go out to our neighbors in New Zealand who have suffered a devastating earthquake on Monday morning. In other news, Metro Station will be performing their one and only hit at a charity benefit for the victims.

---

So I've started full time work as a Sales Representative, this involves going around to different supermarkets and making sure they buy our products and put them in nicer places on shelves than our competitor's products. It's a good first step in the marketing career path so I'm pretty happy doing it.

Unfortunately it's no where near as satisfying as my old part time job as a UNSW Student Ambassador where I could really help people and even the whole of society.

One time this guy I didn't like the look of asked me questions about doing medicine so I told him that the closing date for UMAT applications had passed already.

Another time I was doing a campus tour and the group I was leading was from a Muslim school as evidanced by several burkas. One of them had the audacity to ask me where the aviation faculty was and worse still; he didn't believe me when I lied and told him we didn't have one. So, thinking quickly and with national security at stake - I took the group to a random building and told them that it was the aviation school.

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Nathan Section

So I've had Nathan read and summarize newspaper articles to help improve his English writing and comprehension skills. The other day he was reading this article, and linking it to all his friends. In order to perform an ultimate awkward moment uppercut I said this to him:

"Hey Nathan, can you do me a favour?"

"Sure what is it?"

"Don't forward this link to Ris okay?"

"...................................." + (Ultimate facepalm of awkwardness)

In other news, Nathan gave SEGFG a dozen roses for Valentines day but was unfortunately unsuccessful in his courtship attempt. This was incredibly disappointing for the entire family who were initially overjoyed that SEGFG was in fact a girl and not, as I have long suspected; a dude. But I was and am still proud of him for taking the plunge, a gutsy and rather respectful effort. Since that incident I've stopped actively telling people that he's adopted.

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Media Section

Baby Trap

So the plan with Ris has always been something along the lines of married by 28 and kids by 30. But after watching this video I am honestly considering fast-tracking the whole process so that I can do similar things to my child.

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Finally, Women can have equality

Now as many of you know, I've always been a champion of women's rights and equality but despite my tireless efforts in helping women get the appreciation they deserve, their inherent short-comings such as significantly less intelligence have made this a very difficult task. That said I believe an answer has been found:

In an act of utmost consideration, I have sent this email to Capital W, UNSW's foremost Women's 'Business Society';

Hello there!

Firstly, let me thank you for the huge difference your society makes to Women in UNSW.

With your assistance, literally hundreds of women have been able to network and attend exclusive workshops to help with assertiveness and the like - all of which has helped them to get positions above and beyond the mandatory gender equality targets set by many firms hoping to appear progressive and politically correct.

Women getting these internships and graduate positions ahead of their far more qualified and proficient male counter-parts is no mean feat, and something your society should feel immensely proud of.

It is with a view to a bright future with a sustainable solution to equality, that I am writing to you and forwarding a youtube link which I believe might really revolutionize the way women approach and interact within the business world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2Fb0fYNNYo

Yours Sincerely,

Damien.

p.s I understand that technology and the internet are both very confusing things to many women, so if you encounter any technical difficulties opening the 'hyper-link' just see if you can get the nearest guy to help you out with it :)

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Auto-correct Win!

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Best Photo Ever.

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This amuses me greatly.

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Best Xmas Card

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Google is hilarious

I think this is really funny.

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Lastly, A Great Ad.

Being a self confessed marketing fan boy, the world of advertising is of great interest. Here's a fantastically amusing television commercial:

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That's it for today guys, Hope you liked it and that I wasn't too rusty :)

Cheers,

Damien.

p.s SEGFG stands for Super Epic Giant Forehead Girl.

The word title has tit in it. Brilliant.

2010-09-19T22:33:00.000+10:00

Last week Mel K, Pei Lin and I went up to Lismore to visit Shaz for her birthday. It was an eventful trip with some insightful observations and shocking revelations.

I hate the ocean. Looking at it really puts things into perspective, it makes you realize that no matter how good looking, tall and charming one is, you are still only a small part of the universe. The notion that the world does not revolve around me is a new and depressing one.

A shocking revelation, perhaps one too fanciful to believe; is that Pei apparently never liked me during high school. She even pinky swore to it! If it weren't for Ris this would really have shaken my confidence and core beliefs, to think one of the girls in my grade didn't fancy me. Who would've thought it?

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Pei's Bus Driver!

In other news, someone, I won't say who, has managed to find themselves a Bus Driver who fancies them. He risks his job, diverging from his prescribed route to deliver her directly home and never allows her to pay the bus fare. He's also called her 'gorgeous' and asked her out on a date. Whilst she probably doesn't need any tips to seduce the smitten bus driver, it would nonetheless be great if she employed some fantastic pick-up lines. And as everyone knows, fantastic pick-up lines are my specialty! Here are the top 5 I could come up with:

5) You've let me ride for free so many times, maybe it's time I let you have a ride... After all it's only fare...

4) I don't mind getting off using the back door, if you know what I mean.

3) Let's have a secret affair. If my parents found out I'd get really BUSted.

2) Driving the same locations each day must get really boring. Fancy a new root?

1) I know you drive a bus, but have you ever considered trying a ferry or ship? How would you like to try a relation-SHIP?

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Nathan Section!

I've recently become friends with a girl named Kanye who, quite foolishly, thinks she can make social situations more awkward than I can. Challenge accepted.

Nathan went to Crestwood Fair today with a bunch of his friends and brought his 'just friends' friend Leanne over. Ris told me to give them some alone time so I went up to them and said "Hey Ris says I have to give you guys some alooonneee time so I'm going away now." Leanne has a nice awkward polite laughter laugh.

They were sitting at Nathan's computer and watching some random stuff on youtube so I decided to go to my room and msn with him. I can hardly be held to blame if Leanne should spy on our private conversation now can I...?

damien says:

oi!

* Nathan says:

what!?

damien says:

don't forget what you learned in sex ed class!

* Nathan says:

omg

idiot

damien says:
also. why are you on MSN whilst trying to seduce leanne

* Nathan says:

i'm going to hit you

soo hard

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damien says:

nathan
naaaaaaaaaaaathan

* Nathan says:

what

damien says:
do i have to sleep in the lounge room tonight?*
nathan??

*(because we share a room)
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Psych Rape!

Sone was telling me about false memories, there was a study where they got a bunch of people who had never been lost during their childhood and then these people were asked to imagine and describe what it would have felt like to have been lost and then repeat it their description multiple times. After a while a large group of these people claimed to have remember actually being lost as a child. So basically they got their asses inceptioned. The idea is that the emotional memory is far stronger and more vivid so it supersedes regular memory and that is how false memories are created.Whilst most of psychology is terribly fascinating and interesting, oftentimes it has no real practical application. I think it would benefit mankind greatly if I were able to find a way to change that.

"Say Ris, imagine that a few months ago you agreed to make an sexy amateur video with me. Can you imagine how that would make you feel and describe those feelings in detail? Repeatedly?"

Fingers crossed!

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Media Section!

Oh really?

Grammar, essential.

Fake Twitter accounts - always lolworthy

No Ris, don't blow me.

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That's all folks :)

Damien.

I'd forgotten how fun this was!

2010-09-08T01:07:00.000+10:00

Special thanks go to Neha for being a loyal and devoted fan; it is for you that I overcome my inherent laziness, struggle through the placating cloud of happiness and reach deep, deep inside of myself to grasp the hate that once was.

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Open Day Shenanigans

As part of my job with Student Recruitment at UNSW, I had to meet and greet masses of prospective students wanting to invade our university on Open Day last Saturday. Stationed on Anzac Parade I was to welcome said students, answer any questions they had and estimate how many attendees we had by using a clicky counter thingy.

At 10am the counter read 984, which was a pretty great turn out so far. Unfortunately about 150 of these weren't real – I'd just clicked twice when a girl had been especially fat. I hope an accurate estimation of attendees wasn't too crucial. More importantly I hope those 150 girls don't end up coming to UNSW, as if the food courts weren't crowded enough.

Later that day, the socialist party came and set up tables at the gate. I, like the majority of people, had absolutely no idea what the socialist party was all about. I was a little disappointed when they unveiled their first banner;"Stop the war in Afganistan!". I hate these societies that are just plain ignorant and culturally in-tolerant. How would you like it if some society tried to stop Australians from playing cricket? Why can't you just let the Afgans do what they enjoy?

My disappointment soon turned to outrage with the party's second banner; “Stop Homophobia, Legalise gay marriage”. At first I just stood open mouthed. But then I quickly shut it lest one of them took it as an invitation. But seriously. Isn't legalising gay marriage just one step too far? It would send a pretty strong signal that being gay is... dare I say it; 'O.k'. Perhaps worst of all – it suggests that gay people are also people and due the same rights as you or I! Ridiculous! I would've gone over to them and given them a piece of my mind if I weren't so sensibly cautious (that's right, cautious, not afraid) of 2 things:

Gay germs.
Them ganging up and having their way with me.

You'd think the latter would not be too much of a cause for concern in broad daylight surrounded by people – but gay people, much like vampires, cannot control their urges and lets face it, I am nothing if not urge inspiring. The one time having roughish charm and good looks is a bad thing.

Anyway, we called security and they had to leave, so happy ending for everyone yay!

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I like Sci-Fi

I saw a girl who had really prominent braces and I was immediately struck by the thought – 'imagine what it would be like to get a blow-job from a robot'. I'm sure her boyfriend would know. Lucky bastard.

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Election, really?

How did she do it? How did Julia Gillard win the election? This astounds me, I am in awe. I would have thought that if Sarah Palin couldn't do it with her sexy librarian angle – how could this old, quite unattractive woman succeed? I simply cannot understand how she was even remotely pretty enough to win office. She probably isn't even good at cooking or cleaning and her child bearing potential is non-existent. This then begs the question; is a bird that can't fly still a bird? Or a fridge that can't keep food cool, is that still a refrigerator? Is Julia Gillard technically/essentially/realistically, a woman?

But what's done is done, and now we all have to live with it. Just be thankful that we don't live in New Zealand, or Indonesia because at some point during her term of office, when its that time of month – somebody is going to have to bear the brunt of all that illogical rage and spite and probably get invaded. Or bombed. If the Muslims offer to help.

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Good accents are hot. Bad accents are disgusting.

The other day a girl from Taiwanese student society wanted to talk to me and give me a phamplet for Taiwanese Student Cruise Event. The only way I could possibly be less interested in what she had to saw would be if she how great her 'Speak English without a disgusting China accent short-course' was going. I'm sorry dear, but it's actually going really, really badly. And it would be forgivable if you were pretty but unfortunately you are not. Good day woman.

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Psychology Rape!

My good friend Sone recently told me about a Psychology study which showed that if you are good at something, you will do better if surrounded by other people (social facilitation), conversly if you are crap at something you will do even worse when there's company (social inhibition). What was facinating was that this effect can be seen in the animal kingdom, as well as with people. Cockroaches are good at running in straight lines, and crap at running in a bend, when cockroaches were surrounded by other cockroaches they managed to run even faster down a straight tube when a light was shone from one end. When the experiment was repeated with a bent tube a cockroach would run into walls and be slow and inefficient – when surrounded by it's peers it would be even slower and more inefficient with more wall ramming. Fascinating! I suppose the moral of the entire experiment and the main application of it is that I shouldn't have sex in a public place :(. Feasibility of elevator sex fantasy drops sharply.

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Media Section!

Grammar Nazi for the win!

5 out of 6 kids love sack races!

Asian textbooks for the win. Why indeed?

Oh Snap. Click to Enlarge!

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All the best, hope you enjoyed it!

Cheers,

Damien

It's blogging time again!

2010-03-05T23:42:00.016+11:00

And so the first week of semester one 2010 has come to a quiet, uneventful end. Far more importantly it also marks the end of summer hiatus for this blog! Over the Summer break I've amassed quite a collection of random stuff from the interwebs along with a few stories of my holiday adventures - so, without further ado, please enjoy reading the SUPER COMEBACK SPECIAL. OF JUSTICE.

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Furniture Store of Doomy Doom

Over the holidays I worked part time at a furniture store and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. It further affirmed my absolute hate for the universe and almost all things contained within (almost, of course because of Ris – yes I am still smitten like a young girl). Firstly, the chair upon which I had to sit for 8 hours was fucking uncomfortable. It was a fucking furniture store and they didn't even give me a comfy seat, bastards.

The 2^nd, far larger, piece of the hell pie that was my employment was the fact that the boss brought her incredibly spoilt 8 year old child to work each day. I have tremendous respect of children who are polite and courteous and are themselves respectful. That little shit was not one of these children. He was in fact, a little shit. He was noisy, disruptive and disrespectful to everyone, including his mother. I felt that as a Champion of Justice it was my duty to administer fair but firm Justice Punishment for the sake of the universe.

At first I did this simply by laughing at him and pulling faces whenever he was throwing a tantrum and no one else in the office could see. This really pissed him off. However as he continued to get on my nerves I found myself escalating the level of punishment.

One day I saw him playing a soft core hentai jigsaw puzzle game online (he's an 8 year old kid for fucks sake!), and began blackmailing him. He'd come over and look at my tabs and say “That's not work! I'm telling” and I'd say “Oh okay, I'll just tell your mother about that naked girl game you were playing” then his eyes would get a little teary and he'd run off with an indignant fuck you look on his face. It was sufficiently satisfying to torture him with this information for a while, but it didn't help his behaviour towards the other people in the office, like his mother.

To be fair, it was her own fault for being such a fail parent. For example, on one occasion the child was whining about wanting ice-cream for lunch. Naturally she refused and after an hour of whining she snapped at him and told him off. He's quite for 10 minutes and then starts up again, at which point the super fail mother says “Okay fine you can have ice cream for lunch”. I mean really? Where the fuck were you during Parenting 101? It would be plain to someone with an IQ of less than 70 or even a black person that that only reinforces the child's bad behaviour. But nevertheless, naughty children must be punished for their own good and my own enjoyment.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, one day the kid had been super told off and slapped a little by his mum for making a potential customer hang up. So he was crying a bit and being really haughty. So I just told him his mum didn't love him because he was always being such a spoilt dick and to man the fuck up a little bit. He wasn't even grateful for my advice and just started crying even more. Later he tried to dob on me but I pretended to have no idea what he was talking about.

I suppose the morale of the story is that no one is spared from the forces of justice. And by forces of justice I mean of course, myself.

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O Week Shenanigans

God there were so many people. It was a veritable sea of humanity - a more depressing sight I cannot imagine. I was sorely disappointed by many things that week but the most saddening was just how many people are going to be at university, clogging up resources and space with their inferiority. It's times like these you can almost understand God's perverse global genocides. I was also disappointed by the lack of freebies, I only managed to get 2 usbs, together totalling 4 gigabytes of storage which, to be fair, is not that much porn at all. The Coke Zero girls were perhaps recruited from ugly giant land being so tall and ugly. I almost didn't get a free Coke Zero because I felt insulted at such depressingly average, std stricken brand ambassadors.

There were also a very disappointing number of hot girls, but perhaps this is because I my hot women radar senses are jammed with love at the moment. I was pleasantly surprised to see a new society emerge; the 'I Heart UNSW' girls. There is something about ugly women trying to look slutty and hot in tight white t-shirts that brings a smile to my face. One of their promotions was make skinny-but-still-ugly girl stand on a chair, and give anyone who signs up a water balloon to throw at her white t-shirt. This is why I think the 'I Heart UNSW' society is great. A lot of other societies get to talk about issues like 'gay rights' (notice the inverted commas please) and the environment; but this society is the first to stand up and proudly say "Prostitution is okay. Girls can be total whores and not be embarrassed about that". So good on them.

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Random Thoughts

Unfortunately I've only been to university a couple of days this week so I haven't been able to have too many adventures or observations. Here they are;

No 7/10 girl in bus window, I am not checking you out. Please do not be so pretentious – I am checking myself out. Damn you fine baby. Again, me. Not you, you are very ordinary looking.
Why would anyone wear a cross? At least tuck it into your t-shirt so people don't immediately know that you are stupid and bereft of basic reasoning capabilities. I mean, people with down syndrome don't have a special retarded necklace representing their condition and probably wouldn't wear one even if they did.

I've recently gotten a netbook and find myself typing up blog notes during lectures. How tremendously awkward would it be if I am writing something about the person next to me and they happen to read it. Cannot wait. Also the person sitting next to me now is kind of a fat fuck.
Hey girl eating her lunch at Central Lecture Block, you are kind of cute in 1970's cheap prostitute kind of way.

Really, a white t-shirt on a rainy day? Thank you for either having 0 foresight or being a hyper mega slut.
I really need to get a job, partly for the money but mostly so that I can tell those ridiculous super loser guys who practice 'breaking' and dancing in the roundhouse to get a job without feeling hypocritical.

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It's media time its media time, won't you have some media of mine?

As always, click on the picture for an enlarged version. Some of this stuff really, really really made me laugh so I hope you enjoy it also;

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And that's a wrap. Hope you liked it, not for the sake of my blogs popularity but for your sake, you see if you don't find my blog hilarious then there is something very wrong with you. Most likely you are a screaming homosexual who aught to be put down. If this offends you, tell your boyfriend about it whilst his willy is in your bottom.

Look forward to next weeks wrap up!

Cheers guys,

Damien.

Australia Day Special

2010-01-27T11:27:00.007+11:00

People use many words to describe me, some of these words include 'ruggedly handsome', 'awesomely handsome', 'heroically handsome' etc. One word which has also been used, albeit not as frequently is; patriotic. My patriotism leads me to come out of summer hiatus and offer this post about Australia day, to the Australian people, as a gift. Enjoy,

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Every time I see some white teenage guy topless with an Australian Flag cape on, I am reminded of that Corey guy with the yellow sunglasses. In short, I am reminded of white trash. This is not to say that I don't like the flag or capes, as a hero I am quite partial to capes. It is just that shirtless guys with the cape are almost invariably somewhat drunk, loud and obnoxious. Blind patriotism, patriotism with no real basis or understanding falls as flat as one of Janet's breasts.

Speaking of Janet, she caused me some slight awkwardness at her birthday party when she introduced me to her hot sister as "This is the guy that bullied me all throughout high school". Her sister then angrily said "What the hell! Why'd you pick on my little sister??". And for the first time in a very long while, I was speechless - in part because Janet's sister is like Janet except substantially hotter and also because I couldn't think of a simple way to explain how I had helped prepare Janet for the real world, how I had helped her come to terms with and understand how her hyper mega flatness would affect her life. Unable to express all this quickly and succinctly - I said "Umm.. Well.. Her head and hairstyle sort of looks like a sperm". I am not sure if it was arousal or shock and outrage that registered on her sister's face after that - so that is why it was awkward.

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I saw a homeless guy during my ordeal in the Rocks (I got lost like a damn tourist, I just don't know my way around the CBD or city areas at all), I was going to give him some change because - Hey, it's Australia Day. But then I noticed that he had a beard. Even though he was caucasian, studies have shown that men who sport a full beard are 6.3% more likely to be a terrorist. I do not support terrorism. Especially not on Australia Day.

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I am saddened that we live in a modern era, and not an era where invasion and conquest are viable options. For if we did live in such a world - we would so easily invade and conquer the neighbouring enemy countries like New Zealand and Tasmania. We would then enslave the people from these two countries and use them to conquer the rest of the world.

We would use our Tasmanian slaves as meat shields and we could also use them to launch a special ultimate attack whereby we make them immigrate to an enemy nation en masse and slowly retard the enemy by inbreeding them all.

Our NZ allies would be used as shock troops with their Maoi ninjas. After conquering the Asian countries we would have an unparalleled advantage on the rest of the worlds superpowers with our mathematical ability. Vietnam would also provide us with delicious beef noodles (pho) and slutty women so we could expand our population rapidly.

In summary, I wish we could conquer our nearby enemy nations of New Zealand and Tasmania.

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Hope you enjoyed the post, and now it's back to summer hiatus for me. Expect a revival of the blog when Uni starts and I am forced to take public transport and interact with the disgusting masses of stupidity that constantly surprise me with their admission to and presence at a university level educational facility.

Damien.

Note: With regard to the plans for Australia's world domination. I would advise that we do not anger the Jews until we are a super-power without rival because they are all kung fu masters. They know jewjitsu.

p.s I miss Ris. A lot. In a cool hip sort of way not a sad and lonely way. Honest. I recently played 500 with Matthew Hung and Mish and they owned me and Fung because they had power of love and also because Fung is noob at 500, but mainly it was the power of love and that is why I misses Ris. Also one player sex is not nearly as good as two player sex, even if you hypothetically were to play one player 3 or 4 times in a row it just doesn't compare :(

Powers of Deduction!

2009-10-31T17:29:00.007+11:00

I saw a flier for a room to let at university yesterday. It had the express provision that "Only males apply please". At first I thought, 'hey, that's cool I'm a male'. But then my keen detective skills kicked in. Why would someone put 'males only' on their advertisement? If they are a girl, they would obviously prefer the company of another girl (unless they are unaware of the dangers of rape) and if they were a guy, obviously you'd prefer a girl roomie. The only possible situation where a guy might want to have a guy roomie is if he is SUPER GAY. Unfortunetly there were people around in the hallway so I couldn't take the flier down or at least write a warning for less perceptive people.

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This photo sucks (get it?)

Twilight panties for teenage girls - they work best during that time of the month.... (from I am bored.com)

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Am I the only one who finds it funny that students of optometry are called... pupils? LOLOL.

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Jack Handy

Here are some pretty funny one liners, by a guy called Jack Handy. He's written a few books about his 'deep thoughts' and I find them quite humourous. Perfect for procrastinating, here are a few of my favorites;

"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."

"When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

Just lol.

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Drunken Shenanigans

After Alex's 21st last week I got back to Ris's place slightly drunk. Okay I was pretty drunk. But I'd sobered up considerably since peeing on a tree in Hyde Park with Alex.

Anyway, I arrive and Ris is still up, owing to her ridiculous sleeping patterns, say Hi and sorta collapse on the bed. Ris looks at me, grins evilly and, I shit you not, types "Fun ways to abuse drunk people" into google. A minute later she's grabbed me by the shoulders and is shaking me whilst giggling like an idiot. I'm moaning and flailing my arms around saying "Don't rape me, don't rape me!".

Yeah, fun times.

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Media Dump

1) Oh Japan, will we ever understand you? Or will you exist forever shrouded ina deep, deep cloud of wtf. It's only about 30 seconds long but it is hands down one of the worst commercials I have ever seen. That said I would not mind one of those backpacks. "1, 2, 1, 2 Power!"

2) Great 22 second clip, makes me laugh, reminds me of Navdeep.

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Cheers,

Damien.

p.s Am doing mum's tax return, it's very difficult. I daresay it's quite taxing. (I think I've made this joke in the past, but the beauty of my humour is that it's so funny that even recycled material is hilarious)

Who am I? Why, it's simple - a Hero.

2009-10-30T13:01:00.010+11:00

Today I discovered something. I have come to the conclusion that I might very honestly be a hero, or if not that then at least a mighty embodiment of Justice and Retribution. I was on the bus to Uni today with Denise (you know, the one who dated Henry Lu) and the ugly girl sitting across from us put her can of V on the floor and looked like she intended to leave it there when the bus stopped. Quickly I formulated a devastating plan to right this social wrong. The plan was to completely devastate her with a verbal assault unlike any witnessed in the history of the universe, things I was planning to say include:

1. "Hey... you accidentally forgot your can of V"
2. "Did your parents raise you at all?"
3. "DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHO CAPTAIN PLANET IS YOU BITCH?"

As you can see, each verbal attack is progressively more devastating than the last, the first is snide, oh so very snide (because she didn't really 'forget' the can of V, get it?). The next is about shame, feel the shame you dumb littering slut. And the last is of course rage and fear, fear of what Captain Planet will do to you if I should tell him about your littering bullshit.

Unfortunately, the first remark was too much for the poor girl who apologized and picked up not only her can of V but another one which was nearby. So, as you can see I stopped someone from breaking the law today, I stopped a crime, I defeated a criminal. And that is why I am a hero.

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Another Hero

Talking about heroes, about about that Ambrose Tong eh? In the marketing newsletter there is a shout-out section for people who are too afraid to approach and speak to people they fancy. Here is an excerpt from the latest issue:

"To the girl in the Manchester united jersey in the quad, maybe one day you and I could be united" -Ambrose Tong.

That is gold. Also Ambrose vehemently denies sending that in so you can tell he's really shy about it and that the girl is really something special. So please wish him luck in a subtle way if you happen to see/talk to him. Good luck mate, keep up the pick-up lines - they're like cheat codes for getting into womens' pants.

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Lift Story

I was in the Webster Building today for an exam. As I stood in the lift I realized something quite odd. The elevators in that building have a 'Door Open' button, but do not have a 'Door Close' button. I realized this as I frantically pressed what I thought was the 'Door Close' button because a ugly girl was heading towards the lift. Obviously the doors stayed open and I had to endure 30 seconds in the presence of an ugly person. That made me sad. I hope she failed the exam. That would cheer me up.

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A funny screen-shot
Internet chat rooms are just always so funny. This made me laugh for a good 2-3 minutes.

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Facebook
As many will recall, Ris recently made me a facebook account. I wasn't going to use it but my brother showed me a Naruto Shippuden application with which I am now addicted. Anyway, I've since discovered that facebook is actually quite amusing. Here are a few screen-shots of why. They are kinda small on this, so you will have to click on them and open them in a new tab.

Exhibit A) So Nathan's gay friends have mostly all accepted my friend invites, probably because they are little friend whores. Anyway this one is named Ryda and I am at least 50% sure that Nathan likes her. Obviously being the caring big brother that I am, I have decided to vet her and see if see is any good.

Exhibit B) Okay, truth is I'm not really trying to see if she's cool or not. It's just really fun to annoy Nathan and his friends.

Exhibit C) A few posts ago I talked about facebook and how I sent a girl a friend request with the disclaimer "hey, if you aren't fat anymore, would you like to be facebook friends?" - and she accepted the request. Anyway, I finally got around to checking to see if she was lying and, wouldn't you know it, she was. Look at this shit.

When you upload pictures to blogspot, it asks you what size you want small, medium or large. I chose small but this is as small as the picture goes, presumably because she is fat. See those safety cones behind her? They are so other people know that there is a large vehicle nearby (she is the large vehicle) (because she's fat).

But don't worry, justice is served in exhibit D...

Exhibit D) Hey check this nifty little feature out on Facebook. Win.

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Alrite, that's it.

Cheers,

Damien.

P.s Sorry for the late post Sharon Tan, I know I said I was going to post earlier but I was really busy studying and playing flash games and having a nap yesterday so I couldn't. Hope you finished your assignment and if not - Go do it now after procrastinating!

Contrary to popular belief; ear porn does not exist.

2009-10-13T15:00:00.003+11:00

Hey guys, I know I haven't blogged in ages, to be honest having a girlfriend is just really time consuming. I mean, obviously I'm happy to be spending time with her doing both PG rated things and M / MA15+ things, but it leaves little time for other things like MSN and blogging.

I think it is important that I keep blogging, it's sorta okay for Ris to blog a bit less since she's got less time as well, but my words and thoughts are the things which might save humanity at some point in the future, and even if they do not lead to humanity's salvation they can at least inspire and teach many people how to act and behave appropriately. So please, enjoy the blog post, am a little rusty and don't have time to proof read it properly so bear with me :)

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Do you know why Buddhism absolutely shits on Christianity? It's not because if everyone believed in Karma the world would be a happy place with rainbows and unicorns, no. The reason is three simple words: kung fu monks. Kung fu monks, a la the ones in D3, sort of rape the universe with their kung fu powers. I don't care if you can walk on water, kung fu monks can climb trees and scale walls. And sure you might be good for a party with your cheap wine making skills but kung fu monks can punch people in the chest and then after they take 5 steps their heart would explode. So this is why I think Buddhists are cooler than Christians. Also if memory serves correctly Karen Ngyuen (you know the hot, slightly anorexic girl from the grade below mine) is Buddhist too.

Sigh, it really is a bit of a waste that I don't do law, irrefutable arguing skills and logic are probably highly valued abilities in that profession.

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Do you think gay people eat a lot of bananas? You know because they resemble big yellow penii. Hmm I'm pretty sure penii is the plural of penis, it's not penises is it? Okay spell check disagrees, the plural of penis is penises. Good to know. To take this a bit further I bet a lot of Asian gays eat bananas (because they resemble big yellow penises.) (yes, yellow is a racially charged joke here.) I think it would be the funniest statstic in the entire universe if you could prove a positive correlation between proportion of homosexual citizens in a town/city/country and banana consumption. That would, I think, be just too funny. How can I make this happen? Where can I get the relevant data? I think I will look into this, instead of doing my marketing assignment which is due tomorrow.

On a side note, if I wasn't able to find the required data to prove my hypothesis it would be really ironic. Do you know why it would be really ironic? I'll tell you why it would be really ironic. It would be so ironic if I couldn't find the data to prove my theory because, that would just suck.

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So Ris went and made me a facebook account. I kinda hate it that people can contact and keep in touch with me, fuck people. But there's this naruto ninja shippuden game on it that I'm addicted to so I keep using it.

I recently got an invite from 'Lap's Present' (Lap is a friend of mine), I don't understand how his present had it's own facebook page that is crazy talk. Also when I first started facebook it was really fun adding people. It honestly felt a bit like pokemon. Because facebook suggests friends for you to add, and you have to send them a message to 'tame/capture' them.

It's like when you are in the safari zone and you can use food or rocks to capture pokemon, sometimes I used food with my invite messages like "Hey haven't seen you in ages, how's it going?", you know, something which gave the impression that I give the slightest shit about their lives.

Sometimes, and to be perfectly honest I can't believe this worked, I used the rock approach. For those in my grade, I'm sure you remember Melissa Wu, you know the fat girl who everyone made fun of but somehow only I copped the blame for making her cry several times. It is a sad world we live in when trying to help motivate someone to better their lives and health is looked down upon. Why don't we care about other people anymore? Anyway I'm getting off topic a little here, my invite message to her was: "Hey, if you aren't really fat anymore, would you like to be facebook friends?". AND she added me! HOW RIDICULOUS! I haven't been bothered to go check out her facebook page yet to see if she really has thinned down or is still a cow looking animal. I need to do that soon so I can defriend her if she lied to me. Fat people can be tricky like that.

Also I don't know why but Ris won't let me add her mum on facebook. I've even told her that I would try and make a good impression and not say awkward things like: "sup niggas!" or "Hey auntie, is it possible to die from too much sex? Oh, it isn't? okay brb then." or "my penis's name is sushi, Ris loves eating sushi". Well, I wouldn't say things like that often. Promise.

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I think I know why I hate on Muslims so much, it's because their women get to dress like ninjas in public and no one laughs at them. I wish I could do that. I also have a sneaking suspicion every time I see one of them that they are either A) a terrorist or B) a terrorist. No, I'm just kidding, B) is actually 'That they are secretly orochimaru who has killed the sand hokage and is waiting for the right moment to attack konoha'.

Don't worry if you didn't get this last joke/reference it just means you aren't a cool person. Sorry.

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I think the Castle Hill Indoor Sports Centre should re-evaluate how it assesses the performance of teams in their social competitions. It shouldn't be about the score, more the effort and attendance of the team members. That would make much more sense and be much fairer for everyone I think. So really, honestly, realistically, it doesn't matter if a hypothetical team is pretty much last on the ladder, or that that hypothetical team has only won games which are byes or forfeits - what really matters is that Ris is pretty. The end. I should be some sort of life coach - I'm just that damn inspiring.

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Enough procrastination!

Am going to go give Ris a call, because I miss her and then do some work.

Cheers,

Damien!

P.s I'm not a smitten girl , it's perfectly natural to miss someone when you haven't seen them for almost 7 hours.

I am the master of awkward.

2009-09-22T01:54:00.002+10:00

My soveringty as master of awkward has been disrespected and challenged. Chris Fung believes that he is immune to awkward, and had the audacity to suggest that he would be able to complete a challenge with ease and composure because he is totally unfazed by any awkwardness in the world. What challenge?

"You will say 5 pick-up lines of my choice, to 5 women of my choice on Friday night"

His exact reply was 'lol, too easy' - this will be punished.

Please comment and offer suggestions of lines that I can make him say. I will offer a few examples now to set the bar, please don't suggest anything that does not have a 50% chance of resulting in a slap and a 100% chance of being hyper mega awkward. Also note that C.Fung is not allowed to say anything else before or after the line - so no "hey sorry i lost a bets" etc.

1. "Hey, is your daddy a terrorist? It's not because you're the bomb baby, its just because you are ethinic, I like humus"

2. [to a black chick] "Black, black, black, black, black, black, black... etc etc" for as long as he can keep her interested.

3. "HEY WANNA SEE MY TUMMY?"

4. "Can I breakdance my way into your heart, check this out!"

5. "Hey baby, how much for half an hour? No, seriously stop pretending to look offended and shit - I hate when prostitutes pretend they aren't prostitutes. Okay look, how about I make an offer, I have $50 in my wallet right now..."

6. "I am from the future. And in the future WE DON'T WEAR PANTS LALALALLALA"

7. "Hey, I like pacman, do you like pacman? I can make the sound effect, wacca wacca wacca wacca. I don't like mrspacman though. She's a fucking slut. Are you a fucking slut? I hope so. Want to see my mini pacman?"

8. "I used to be gay. But I don't like the taste of penis. Do you like the taste of penis? I have a penis. penis."

9. "Can I buy you a drink of water? I don't want to spend money getting you alcohol since you will probably give it up for free without being drunk. You look like a slut. But a hot slut I must say."

10. "Have you heard the raising fighting spirit? It goes like this................."

That's all I can think of at the moment, feel free to add any or say which ones you like etc.

Damien out!

Sigh my girlfriend likes Bus driver porn.

2009-09-17T20:40:00.005+10:00

So I was messing around on Ris's msn the other day, pretending to be her and talking to one of her old high school friends; Julian. A brief snippet of the conversation went like this:

Jul: "yeah lol, basically anything you can think of - there's a porn of it on the internet"

Me (as Ris): "are you SERIOUS!? Are you telling me there might be bus driver porn on the internet?! FUCK BRB."

Jul: "LOL WTF??"

[2 mins later]

Me: "you fucking liar, you got my hopes up for nothing. I can't find any"

Jul: "sif, you noob. I bet I could find it"

Me: "fine, hurry up. and no blacks"

Jul: "okay one sec".

In hindsight I wonder if I should be more than a little worried that Jul was unable to realize that it wasn't really Ris speaking - is asking for help locating bus driver porn a normal thing for Ris??

Also - he did end up finding me some bus driver porn. Thanks Jul.

Damien.

What's one thing a relationship needs?

2009-09-17T17:25:00.008+10:00

The fundamental thing that a relationship needs is one penis. No more, no less. Yes, prepare yourself for a gay hate rant.

I went to dinner with Ris the other day at a nice Japanese place in Surry Hills. It was nice until a gay couple was seated reasonably close to us (between 2 and 3 meters away), I can only pray that this is an adequate distance to avoid the contraction of aids. I don't want to get aids please.

When the waiter came to take their order, he said "So what would you like" and one of them pointed to the other and said "His dick in my mouth please". Disgusting. Okay this may or may not have happened but either way I bet you cringed. And you cringed because gay is disgusting and you know it.

I think the reason behind my feeling uncomfortable around gays is because with the way I look, I can safely assume that all of them would like very much to fuck me. Obviously I would never willingly allow this to occur but if they found some way to incapacitate me... So all through-out dinner I thought to myself; "Do not lose consciousness Damien, Do not lose consciousness or you will be fucked".

Now some people will say to you things like "The same sex marriage ban is unaustralian". I found this on a political flier which I immediately stopped reading and threw away. I even went back to the person handing them out to get another one so I could throw that one away also. The statement is just plain wrong. The same sex marriage ban is not fucking unaustralian, do you know what is unaustralian? Putting your penis inside some guy's bottom.

I guess what I'm trying to say is; I'm sorry Ronald Mak, I just don't think we can be friends anymore.

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Lol, Just Lol.

Cheers,

Damien.

p.s I met Narain's sister at university the other day (I'm pretty sure she has a proper name, but it escapes me at the moment). And she said this "Hey I just started reading your blog, you are so mean to so many people!". I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

p.p.s If I had a gay friend I would get them this as a present:

(Yes, I could have a gay friend, he would have to somehow guarantee that he would never, ever try and hit that, with that being me)

I think life must suck if you were ugly.

2009-09-15T13:03:00.008+10:00

I found a list of interesting questions to ponder on the internet the other day. I've lost the link but one of the ones which I remember was:

"Would you give up 10 years of your life to be really attractive or famous"?

Of course my first thought was: this question is stupid since I obviously am already really attractive. But then I wondered, what if I were ugly? What if, I looked like any number of generic crappy looking people who don't really deserve the right to live? And I think that I would give up 10 years, it's like the proverb the candle that burns twice as strongly burns half as long - It's really a question of being briefly super epic or living a long time in a mundane ordinary fashion. For once I am quite interested in your opinions on the matter, so comment and tell me would you accept that deal?

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"I'm sorry Oxfam volunteer girl at Central station this morning, you are just not nearly pretty enough for me to slow down and check you out let alone actually stop to let you talk to me".

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If I had a magical genie, the first thing I might get him to do would be to instantaneously nether swap all the people from Ehtiopia with all the people from Hungry. Because that would be so ironically funny.

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I also just ran into that girl who was a 5/10 but a 9/10 when she puts make up on and is apparently an Asian model. One of the first thoughts that went through my mind, before I remembered who she was, was "Who the fuck is this ugly chick and why does she have the courage/audacity to talk to someone as good looking as me??". After seeing that thought in writing I really wish I hadn't have had it, it's a little too arrogant/bastardy even for me.

But I honestly don't understand why her BF allows her out of the house without make up on, if A) With make up she's quite impressive and B) Without make up she makes people throw up in their mouths a little. Does he have no shame or sense of decency?

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Here's a bit of random media dump.

Really? Come on..

Haven't really Christian bashed in a while. Open this one up bigger to read it. Also the internet forces you to be so cynical - this is obviously fake, see how the edges of the sign don't really match up? I wish it were real though.

That would be the best t-shirt for a terrorist to wear. It'd make stupid people think 'Oh. We really shouldn't discriminate against middle eastern people without basis like that'. Then he could go blow shit up.

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Alritey, I suppose that'll do for today.

Cheers,

Damien.

Roger Federer

2009-09-14T11:52:00.003+10:00

I ran into this girl from Ruse at the train station today. We chatted amicably as we waited for the train. When it came I got up and said "Hey, I'll catch you later, really have to study for an exam". Then I got on a different carriage. I did not study. I did not even have a textbook with me. God I hate people.

I was reminded of the time when we first met, the conversation went something like this;

"Hi, how are you? My name is Rojda"
"Um, good thanks, I'm Damien. Sorry, did you say your name was Roger?"
"Haha no, It's Rojda"
"But... Roger is a boys name..."
"No, Rojda, like R...O...J...D...A..."
"I have a friend named Roger too, but he spells it normally like R O G E R".
"I have to go, bye."
"Bye Roger."

See the story is funny because she has a funny ethnic name. Ethnic people sure are funny. Anyway, from that moment on I called her Roger. I have a sneaking suspicion that it bothered her though, one time she said to me "Damien, Stop calling me Roger it bothers me". I didn't stop.

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One of the first things she thought to talk about was Yasi, another girl from high school. I can't believe that Roger's main memory of me was of that incident. It wasn't even that memorable. But I feel nostalgic so I'll tell it anyway.

One day we were sitting around during a free period with Aolai from the grade below, We were jokingly talking about how much our grade rapes their grade. Somehow the conversation turned to the new people in their grade (James Ruse accepts batches of new people in grades 9 & 11, who want to bask in our academic excellence and superiority). There was this new girl in their grade called Yasi. She was a giant. She was the stereotypical huge Asian, super mainland looking, giant. I said as much to Aolai of course. Her reply was something stupid along the lines of "Damien you're a dick" + storm off.

Shortly after, I believe it was Fung who went into the commons and like a super idiot decided to retell the story to a group of girls. Somehow he did not notice that Yasi the Giant (How is yasi not a perfect name for a giant by the way) was one of those girls.

Long story short, Yasi ran into the girls toilets and cried. Apparently she was having a tough time fitting in and it was all building up etc. This is the sad part of the story, somehow, and I have no fucking idea how, people blamed me for it. First of all, how is it my fault if Fung goes and tells her and second how is it my fault she is a mythical creature from folklore? So I had to apologize. I'm pretty sure I apologized. Well, even if I didn't, it was sort of implied wasn't it? I'm sure she got it.

Oh and Yasi had a hot friend who I later asked out but she said no. I think she was upset that I discovered her friend's giant secret.

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At Pei and Shaz's 21st, things got a little out of hand. If you remember I recently posted a msn conversation between Pei and I and Rob, the guy I've assumed is the love of her life. How do I know? Please, I'm a detective remember?

Anyway, Rob was there. As he was leaving we were annoying Pei by saying "Damn he has a fine ass don't you think?" To which Pei replied "Umm, No." Then I said "Personally, I'd love to slap it". And Pei then said "Really? Why don't you go do it then? Go on, go slap his ass"....

So I did. Rob probably thinks I'm weird now :(

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Feels like last post was too epic long in hindsight, so will not save things up for Tuesday's weekly update but will just post whenever.

Damien.

p.s This post was entitled Roger Federer because after a while we used to pretend Rojda, who we'd renamed Roger, was actually Roger Federer. So we'd ask her how her serve was going, if she planned on competing in the Australian Open, why her girlfriend was so ridiculously ugly etc etc. She didn't really like that either.

This post is epic long, you know what else is epic long?

2009-08-31T19:25:00.008+10:00

(It's my penis)

So I'm 21 now. Nothing much has changed, I suppose one major difference is that I can't count my age using my fingers and toes anymore. But besides that it's pretty much same old, same old. I'm still as super mature and awesome as always, I hope that never changes.

It's been far too long since I've posted properly so as always, I'll make up for it with a super long epic post, broken up with dividers and into sections in case it's too much awesome to take in one go.

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Went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog. It was a shitzu.

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Nathan comes home the other day and says "Today in food tech we made fried rice, it was fun!". To which I replied; "Oh, that's pretty cool. What do the boys in the class do when you have food tech?". I think the morale of the story is don't mess with me, coz you're gonna get burnt bro! Oh snap!

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Yellow Shirts

So Ris is signing up for Yellow Shirts, which is this program where experienced uni students put on a yellow shirt and greet first years during O week in first semester next year. Yellow shirts show them around and organize fun activities for them etc.

Ris asked if I would like to do it also. Unfortunately I think that my general hate for people would preclude me from being an adequate selection. I do not think I could resist giving first years incorrect directions on purpose. Nor could I stop myself from telling them that the nearby McDonalds will give UNSW students a free cheeseburger if they show their student card. Also I would go a step further and tell them that the sneaky ethnic management at McDonalds would try to deny any such scheme, hoping they were ignorant 1st years. Also I just would not be satisfied until I made one of the little bastards cry. For these reasons, and several others I feel I am not cut out to be a yellow shirt leader. If I can be bothered I might submit the 'worlds worst application for yellow shirt' - but just for laughs.

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Pokemon!

Recently, I whimsically asked someone which pokemon they would most like to fuck. After the initial ‘wtf is wrong with you’ reaction and then agreement that selection be limited to the original 151 pokemon (not any of the later, dirty, stealing money from children pokemon) a serious discussion was entered into. The next bit is a really rather long and convoluted journey through the various concepts of pokemon through my, ever so slightly, tainted eyes. Enjoy.

Would you rather get a blowjob from a Charmander, or a handjob from a geodude?

"I has spikey teeth yo"

"You have a rock hard erection, I have rock hard hands. GG"

Anyway, the correct answer is of course ditto. The magical transforming pokemon which can transform into a super babe like Jessica Alba or Ris. Or if you really do want to fuck a pokemon, you could have it turn into that as well. But I was thinking, when ditto transforms into something, does it make a perfect copy? Like wouldn't it just be a copy of the outside? I.e. Would it know to transform a vagina down there as well? It could theoretically just transform with no orifice, if it didn't know there was one there - that would suck!

I think if pokemon were real, dittos would be really really expensive, imagine having something which could take the form of anything you might want to fuck? Like it could transform into Alba, or Ris, or like a sexy tree or maybe even Alex's super hot sister.

If pokemon were real, I think PETA would be alot more powerful, because they would have pokemon allies. But I don't think pokemon could take over the world, even if they all ganged up together. This is because humans have guns and also the power of limitless cruelty. Pokemon probably wouldn't torture their prisoners but we wouldn't give a shit.

I wonder what would happen if you threw a pokeball at a person? Maybe it wouldn't work against someone white or Asian. But I bet I could catch me a negro. Sorry. After typing this I've realized that it probably does cross the line into obscenity. My bad.

Which pokemon is most likely to be a rapist? I think it would be Mr. Mime.

"Hello, ladies..."
(He's not saying this coz he can't talk, he's miming it)

Wouldn't it be super ironic if your pokemon had a facebook page. And.... wait for it.... wait for it..... you.... poked it. ROFl

I bet there would be human vs pokemon underground fight clubs. Or death matches.

I also bet that Nurse Joy is a huge slut who will probably give it up for free.

Which pokemon would be the best to eat? I don't think it's farfetched to say that perhaps the tastiest pokemon is farfetched. I mean, it's carrying around a leek for you to cook it with.

"I only has one eyebrow :( eat me plz."

The really scary thing is that I could go on like this for a few more pages. But I better not. Better stop whilst you guys still think I'm cool, before you start thinking I'm super weird. And yes, as usual this post is quite indicative of the fact that I have far, far too much time on my hands.

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Manik's 21st

So she who must not be named was at manik’s 21^st the other day. I was on the phone with Ris and said ‘hmm I wonder if her loser bf is here as well, your heroic boyfriend might have to engage in one on one mortal combat’ to which Ris replied ‘Hah. You’ll lose. I bet he’s taller than you’.

Thanks Ris, I looked up supportive girlfriend in the dictionary and to my great surprise there wasn’t a picture of you. Lol.

Btw, they read a poem at Manik's party, with each line starting with the first letter of his name. You know you are really, really stretching it when the N stands for 'Not good at swimming'. I shit you not, that is what it was. I cracked up and people looked at me. Sigh.

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Chris Fung’s Fight against Injustice

So Fung's roomate always blocks his car in, in the driveway. One day Fung did the same to her, and then she woke him up at 6:30 to move his car so she could go to work. Fung now has a super enemy.

Here are a few of my suggestions for evil revenge. Completion of any five will afford you membership to my evil genius club – the Super Badass Collective for one year.

1. Ejaculate on car door handle. Everyday for a week. This will test your ninja skills because after day 2 or 3 she’ll be expecting it. How will you get close enough to the door handle, for 4-5minutes and then escape without detection? It’ll be like Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six games. No cheating by masturbating and then throwing it at the door handle.

2. Get her car towed somewhere when she’s not home, deny any involvement. By whistling inconspicuously.

3. Paint her car in DPCU colours.(Camouflage colours for those who aren't super army men)

4. Super glue the door shut.

5. Waterproof the car, then fill the inside with water. And piranhas. Or regular fish if you don’t have any piranhas. Or pieces of paper you’ve cut into the shapes of fish if you don’t have real fish.

6. Put a for sale sign on her car. Put her phone number on it. And sell it for a ridiculously cheap price. Somehow make her unaware of the sign – either by only placing it there when she’s asleep, or when she’s out.

7. Hide in the backseat of her car with an ax and a scary mask. When she's driving, jump out and yell rawr. Do this on April fools day where people have free license to do things like this without getting arrested. Make sure the ax is blunt so you can say you were definitely not going to kill her.

8. Somehow tamper with her speedometer so that it reads slightly slower than reality. So like if she’s going 60kmph it’ll say 50kmph. That way she’ll get lots of fines and lose her license.

9. As a favour, make her car a cool aerodynamic spoiler out of cardboard and install it for her. Do NOT accept any thanks or tokens of gratitude. Side skirts also –questionable car mods picture.

10. Convince her that her car is haunted. Do this by making ghost noises whenever shes in the car and you are nearby.

11. Chain yourself to the car and refuse to budge until she accepts your right to follow any religion you choose and apologizes for discriminating.

12. Place a speaker in her car that makes a huge super explosion sound effect when you call it with your mobile phone. Call it.

13. Find a stray cat. Kill the stray cat, but without leaving any marks. Then place the cat behind one of the back wheels of her car. Scream OMFG YOU KILLED MY CAT, when she backs up over it. Demand compensation, threaten to run over her loved ones. I especially like this one because you get to kill a cat also. It’s a nice added perk.

14. Let the air out of one tyre. Simple.

15. Super glue the petrol flap thing shut. This one is super funny because she'll keep going back to the front seat of her car to pull the petrol flap lever and then going to check the petrol flap only to find it shut.

16. Place something which looks like a bundle of dynamite with a red countdown timer on it on her dashboard. Time it so that it is in it’s final seconds when she gets to her car. Watch as she screams and runs from the car and then does a jump onto the grass like they do in movies. Place dog poop on grass beforehand.

17. Wedge a coin into the female part of the seat belt. This will prevent her from buckling her seat belt and may hopefully result in her getting a ticket from police or dying in a car accident where death would have been otherwise preventable had she been wearing a seat belt.

18. Ejaculate on the windscreen.

19. Bulid a solid box of plywood around the car one night. A huge box of plywood. Encasing the car. Write ‘Door on other side’ on the wall of the box that she’s most likely to see first. Do not make a door on other side of plywood box.

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I HAS THE FORCE

Omg. Check this out. Real or fake? Please be real. Please please please please please. Finally I can prove that I'm better than everyone else!

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Alrite guys,

That's it for today. More tomorrow after I go to Law Revue and see what they have that's funny. As always I'll be posting a Law Revue Review shortly after. And no, that joke never gets old.

Cheers,

Damien.

The final 21!

2009-08-31T19:11:00.004+10:00

Hi everyone,

It took a while to decide which of the '21 random things' to choose. Not all of them made the cut, some because they were silly and others because Damien probably wouldn't acquiesce to doing them, so I made up a few replacement ones etc. Anyway, Damien has to complete these 21 tasks before he turns 22 so it's a one year quest of justice! Without further ado, here is the list;

1. Have sex with Ris in an elevator.

2. Have sex with Ris in a station wagon.

3. Have sex with Ris in a shower.

4. Have sex with Ris at a library.

5. Have sex with Ris on a plane.

6. Have sex with Ris in a different country.

7. Have sex with Ris in a lecture theater.

8. Have sex with Ris in a movie theater.

9. Have sex with Ris on a train.

10. Have sex with Ris in a park.

11. Have sex with Ris at a funeral.

12. Have sex with Ris in a tent.

13. Have sex with Ris in an elevator again.

14. Have sex with Ris in a sticky photo booth.

15. Have sex with Ris on a pool table.

16. Have sex with Ris in a changing room.

17. Have sex with Ris at a zoo.

18. Have sex with Ris on a boat.

19. Have sex with Ris in space.

20. Have sex with Ris underwater.

21. Have sex with Ris whilst 'the raising fighting spirit' is playing in the background.

By;

Larissa. [not Damien masquerading as Larissa. Promise.]

21sts

2009-08-24T16:26:00.002+10:00

Hi everyone,

This is not actually Damien, but there's a reason why I'm posting on his behalf. See, Damien's 21st is coming up and to celebrate I'd like to ask all the readers of this blog to aid me in my crusade to come up with 21 "random" things that we can make Damien do on his quest to adulthood.

Submissions will close on the 29th of August (Saturday). I will pick the best out of 21 and please for fucks sake don't be lazy (for once) and comment. I'd really like to think Damien has more than 21 friends. Anyhow, I'll be posting the final 21 on the 30th :)

Larissa

Campaign for Social Justice!

2009-08-17T21:45:00.006+10:00

It's strange. When one is happy and motivated and occupied, time seems to just fly by. I can't believe I haven't posted an update in almost 2 weeks. That's pretty weak. It's Ris's fault really, she's got me doing boyfriend girlfriend stuff like holding hands. It's more time consuming than you might think. Anyway, in repentance I'll write a little longer this time round.

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I saw a blind person at Central today. I think it would be really empowering and motivational for them to watch the movie daredevil... oh wait they can't.

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Unlucky.

I had this assignment due Monday, needed the textbook for it (I don't buy textbooks because I think they are for peasants and that I'm above that shit). So my plan was to come in to the library, 2 or 3 hours before it was due and just rape it out. The textbook is supposed to be on '2hour short loans', anyway long story short it wasn't there. And I was like wtf. It is the first time in a long while that I've actually been unlucky.

I managed to finish it in the end, and hand it in without late penalty despite the fact that it was late (have a female tutor, just had to smile and it was all okay). But the issue is simply that, as a hero I should not have been unlucky in the first place, the textbook should have been there and waiting for me. This must mean there is some deficit in my heroism lately, and as such I am begining a campaign for social justice.

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Social Justice Attack 1.

So guys, it's that time of year again, 40 hr famine time. Sure I could participate and help raise awareness and monies but I'd probably get hungry and besides that wouldn't be epic enough for true social justice.

Instead I'm going to get a whole heap of sign up forms. And give them to fat people. That way society benefits as fat people lose weight and then Ethiopian kids get more food or something like that.

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Social Justice Attack 2.

This isn't really a social justice attack, instead it's just a query I have. I gave up my seat for a fat woman on the train today. Should I not have done that? Taking it a little further, would I be doing a good or bad thing if I happened to make someone cry about being fat and that motivated them to lose weight and eventually become a real human being again? Interesting hypothetical.

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Social Justice Attack 3.

Am going to destroy Christianity. Have had quite enough of it. I've decided that I might as well just believe in myself since I am almost a God anyway. I'll follow my own code of morality, not because I'm afraid of Hell or because I want salvation. But because that is how heroes fucking roll. And at the end of it all, at Judgment, I'll look God in the eye and say "Hey, I've got something for you" and I'll reach into my pants pocket as if to take something out, but it's just going to be my middle finger.

I wonder if CBS (Campus Bible Study) will let me speak at one of their events. Do you suppose they'd allow the faith of their gullible sheep to be tested? Really, there's no good reason for them to refuse me, or when they say 'bible study' do they mean only studying the nice happy bits?

Prepare yourself Christianity. Don't forget to thank me, as I cull those of weak faith from your ranks.

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Cheese Zone.

This video is almost as ridiculous as Christianity. Maybe if I believe in that Cheese man I'll receive eternal salvation. Damn if only it were thus written in a 2000 year old book, that would make it reliable as opposed to being a silly and illogical crackpot notion. Sorry Cheese man.

Disclaimer for next video: Do not watch the following if you have epilepsy, dislike screaming 'wtfwtfwtf' in your head or enjoy your sanity.

And yes Sone, I do think it is weird how the creepy cheese things are jizzing into the cup ramens from their finger tips. It's also werid how there aren't any Japanese people in the ad.

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Ris.

Ris and I had our first fight sort of thing yesterday. It's no where near as fun as it seems in movies. Anyway, relationships are pretty tricky. Women are complicated and illogical. But the silver lining of the whole thing is that I've learned a pretty valuable lesson, which I'll share with you so that you don't make the same mistake. Apparently, (and I'm not 100% certain on this yet), being grumpy and throwing a semi-tantrum after not getting your way is not best practice for a boyfriend.

Anyway, now that this bizarre social convention has been explained or at least demonstrated to me, I suppose I can resume my role as world's most awesome boyfriend.

Also Ris is okay at crosswords, so that's pretty cool.

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How old is this kid? Seriously?

I think this video is a little disturbing. Just a little bit.

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And I guess I'll leave you guys with that.

Cheers,

Damien.

Oh wait, nearly forgot. Here's a couple of Cathy Comics.

Cathy 01 Begin!

2009-08-05T17:42:00.008+10:00

Facebook.

The main problem with Facebook is that you get annoying friend requests from people you've never seen or spoken to. And who are probably losers. Case in point:

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Met a Model! Wanted to kill myself!

Met this girl at uni the other day. Was about a 4 or 5 out of 10. Her boyfriend then told me she was a model, I wanted to ask 'What does she model? the before photos?', but felt that that would be tactless. We were already on poor footing because he told me he was Muslim and I asked what life was like for a terrorist. I don't think that he got that I was trying to seem like I was joking so that no offense would be caused.

Anyway, long story short he showed me a photo of the girl and she was like a 9/10, she literally doubled her rating through makeup. That's scary shit man. If you went home with that pretty girl and she turned out to look like that, you'd just cry, so just be wary. If you are at a club or whatever and grinding up a hottie, before you take her home throw water on her face to get rid of her lying makeup.

p.s luckily for me Ris is pretty with or without make up. awww.

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Cathy 01!!

Guys, you have no idea how fucking long it took to edit this on word and then paint. Good lord, I need to get hold of photoshop or something similar with less editing powers. Really just need to be able to make text boxes, move shit around and draw arrows, I think.

Anyway I hope you like this new comic I've made. It's stemmed from 1. the fact that Cathy is the shittest comic of all time. and 2. Garfield Minus Garfield (hilarious shit, check it out). As always, click on the picture below to bring it up bigger!

Cheers, That'll do. Am too sleepy!

Damien.

Why Ikea makes me wish all Swedish babies are aborted from now on.

2009-08-03T11:07:00.009+10:00

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I don't whinge a lot. In fact I don't even know how to whinge properly; what does one say? how does one say it? But that's not important right now, what is important is that you read my logical and well-thought out argument (which is 0% whiny) as to why Ikea makes me lose what little faith I had in humanity.

Catch-phrase: Ikea, it's Swedish for value. No, it fucking isn't. So if you were planning to go to Sweden and you say "wow this hotel is great ikea" people will think you are a fucking retard. But it's not your fault because this is one of the many lies the people at Ikea would love to have you believe. In truth IKEA is an acronym for Ingvar Kamprad, Elmtaryd, Agunnrd. Apparently its the founder's name and the location of the first store, this might seem like an interesting bit of harmless trivia until you realize that the name Ingvar Kamprad is obviously some sort of tribute to Satan. And that's fucked up.

Next we have Ikea's dubious business practices: 'Let's fire all our furniture assemblers, those good and honest hard working people, and then we'll make the customers assemble the furniture themselves. And we'll trick them into thinking its fun and that it results in huge cost savings for them instead of the reality of the situation which is that its not fun, its fucking tedious and mundane and it just results in a bigger profit margin for us by reducing costs.' I vow, here and now, to refuse to ever assemble any piece of shit furniture from Ikea.

The store of intense marketing evil. The first thing you notice when you go to Ikea is that whilst it has two floors, the entrance to the store is via an escalator to the second floor. And the exit is on the first floor. Since the entrance and the exit are not the same, you are forced to walk through the entire store from start to finish. This blatant marketing ploy of evil is designed to trick gullible and silly women into making impulse purchases. See attached map below of one of the floors of Ikea. Note that when you get to the 'exit' on the aforementioned map, you are actually just at the entrance to the 2nd floor and will have to beat another long and arduous maze of consumerism doom. Am seriously considering getting into social marketing because of this.

Ikea is crowded. It is full of dirty dirty people walking around buying shit they don't need because that is what humans do. Also I hate people so that just made my entire Ikea experience just that little bit worse. Luckily I was with Ris so I could just stare at her body when she wasn't looking - if not for that I think I'd have flipped out and stabbed an immigrant or something.

I want to find out more about Christianity, I do. If what they are preaching has even the slightest chance of being true then it's not something I want to risk ignoring. But the existence of Ikea is a huge impediment to my exploration of Christianity. It raises serious existential questions for me like; "How can there be a loving God if things like Ikea exist?". This is a problem because it makes me read the bible with a closed and cynical heart, as opposed to the happy, open and gullible heart with which you are supposed to read it. Fuck you Ikea how dare you threaten my potential religious happiness.

Lastly look at all the fucking time I've been forced to waste, writing this blog post and finding an artist to draw that map. I could have spent this time studying, or getting a job or just doing something productive like masturbating. Fuck you to the darkest recesses of Hell for wasting my precious time Ikea. Honestly, fuck you. I think I might just hate Ikea more than I hate immigrants.

My Plan(s) for the absolute eradication of Ikea

Whilst I do honestly wish abortion became mandatory in Sweden for crimes against humanity/Damien, I am intelligent and realistic enough to realize that this is not a very likely possibility. As such I feel the need to come up with some more probable plans)to destroy this monstrosity. Which is the best? I don't quite know.

Plan A: Casually remark to any Muslims you might see "You know I was at Ikea the other day and I overheard a staff meeting where they were all like 'The Koran is a piece of shit!' and 'Our store is fucking indestructible and bomb proof, muslims can go eat dick'. I was so outraged that I just left.

Pros:

I can get multiple people to help me with this plan, increasing its speed.
Ikea, along with people who shop at Ikea are likely to get blown the fuck up.
Also with only one entrance and exit to the store, the mortality of the attack is likely to increase.
Tougher anti-muslim/terrorist laws are likely to result so I'd be helping to protect Australia.

Cons:

People will probably not help me with this plan since they are lazy and don't care about society.
Is a huge explosion with death and fire everywhere really enough punishment for the likes of Ikea?
This plan requires effort and I am also quite lazy.

Plan B: Find a small, cute looking child, hopefully about 5 or 6 years old. Coerce that child into making a public statement similar to, but not limited to; "I went to Ikea with my mummy because we thought it would be fun. But the people at Ikea think that gang rape is fun :( My mummy seemed to like it (she's a bit of a slut) but my bottom hurts now. Also I really really don't like the taste of penis :( Why did the people at Ikea do this to me? I wish I had never ever gone to Ikea. Also on top of the gang rape and the fact that my anus won't stop bleeding, the store was really big and they wouldn't let us out until we walked through the entire thing which, now that I think about it, was probably worse". Yeah that'd fuck Ikea right up.

Pros:

Kids are stupid and will probably listen to me for some candy.
Oh feel the shame Ikea, feel all that shame.
I'd feel like a puppet master if I managed to accomplish this plan.

Cons:

Kids are stupid and will probably stuff it up.
People are stupid and might still shop at Ikea.
I could never publicly claim responsibility for pwning Ikea since that would discredit the kid's accusations :(

Plan C: Insidiously become an employee of Ikea, then steal essential parts from 'construct your own furniture' sets. Whilst doing that, quickly climb your way to the top of the managerial chain. Become the face of Ikea. Then, publicly and whilst wearing like an Ikea t-shirt or something, go to the zoo and rape a panda. This way people will forever associate Ikea with panda rape and not want to shop there anymore - leading to its inevitable demise.

Pros:

It works on two levels, making customers angry at the failing furniture, and also shame with the panda fucking debacle.
I've sorta always wanted to fuck a panda.
I'd get a free Ikea t-shirt at the end of it.
Oh I'd be getting paid whilst I destroyed them from within.

Cons:

I'm lazy. This would be so awesome, but I doubt I have the stamina to keep it up yet.
I've went and checked out the pandas at Taronga zoo, none are especially attractive.
I'd have to become the devil, to destroy the devil. My own sanctity and purity would be tainted as I fought the beast of Ikea.

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Okay, that is probably like 500 words too much on why I hate Ikea. That's enough. The end. Morale of story: fuck Ikea.

Cheers,

Damien.

p.s I'd like to point out that it's quite ironic that the entrance to Ikea is up an escalator, so in this case you ascend rather than descend into the pits of hell.

It ain't Christmas but what the hell.

2009-07-30T13:34:00.004+10:00

[ Reward for entering Konami Code has been temporarily replaced until Ris sends me a photo of her and someone she doesn't mind me calling ugly :( Normally I wouldn't accept censorship, but Ris is too pretty so I've no choice.]

Hey guys, I know that it's not exactly Christmas yet so giving you all a present is a little weird, but then I thought about it more and realized that I don't have to wait till the 2000th birthday of some fictional character before giving a gift to everyone who reads my blog.

But I hate how society and university spoon feeds people, I feel that it is responsible for the gradual dumbing down of the population and might explain why even though university students are supposed to be intelligent, most are so stupid I wouldn't feel confident asking them for the time (even if they had a digital watch).

That's why to earn my special present you will have to enter the 'Konami Code' and then press enter. Most people won't know what it is, but it's not that difficult to put your detective hat on and research it up. After you successfully enter the code prepare to say wow!

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UNSW Foundation Day

I was standing on the upper floor of the quadrangle when I saw that the quad lawn had heaps of stalls set up with free ice-cream and other festivities. It looked pretty interesting and fun, but then I noticed that the quad was filled with people, at least 250 people looking at the stalls and happily wandering around. This was about 250 people too many for my tastes so I just fucked off home. Shame really, would have been nice to celebrate UNSW's 60th birthday and get some free stuff.

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Law Revue Skits

Am writing a couple of skits and stuff for law revue. Should be fun. Will post here when done, look forward to it. I want to write some of those filler voice over bits that are said between skits as well, I think I'd be good at it since I'm so witty and good at making hilarious puns.

Ironically, I forgot to give money to the dementia foundation this year.
I hear the deaf people society is doing really well.
I don't see the point in giving money to blind people society.

People say that you shouldn't make fun of disabled people, but they fail to realize that disabled people are far less likely to kick your ass. It's like I always say, if you don't want to get DISsed, then don't become DISabled. In this Acct 3B lecture yesterday the lecturer was making some point about how resources need to be combined effectively and honest to God used the following example; 'Having 2 legs but no brain to control them would be as bad as having just 1 leg coz you can't really walk properly'. wtf + too funny.

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That'll do for now.

Damien

The book of Damien, Chapter 4, Verse 11

2009-07-27T20:57:00.009+10:00

"the word spread quickly and with it followed a great cloud of darkness and depression for the women of the land. Their lament could be heard from the cities of the east to the great mountains of the north - for so great was their sadness. Tears would flow freely as the women of the world tried in vain to understand why it had happened. Such was the burden borne by our Lord and Savior Damien, for it was because of him that these events came to pass.

For the first year of university He waited for a woman worthy of his great stature. None could be found. For the second year of university He continued to wait, for he would not accept anything less than perfection. Again a woman that epic could not be found. Now a slow and gradual thing, insidious by nature began to happen- during those years of waiting and being single; Damien sinned, he gave the women of the world hope, hope that one day they might get to be ravished by him... False hope."

On Saturday the 25th of July 2009 Damien, if he were one of the fail masses who uses failbook could have changed his relationship status from 'Shall I use my left hand or my right hand tonight?' to 'In an epic relationship'. Instead, on Wednesday the 29th of July 2009, Damien would blog and announce it to the world. Expect the ensuing flood from womens' tears to be of biblical proportions.

If in your day to day adventures you see a woman who is looking a little sad or depressed, it would probably be safe to assume that she's just found out. Comfort her in any way you can, say ridiculous things like 'Damien isn't that good looking, come on.' or 'He probably can't last in bed' - anything to assuage the suicidal thoughts she is probably having.

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Narcissism isn't it just a synonym for Awesome?

In something totally unrelated, check out this test called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. It's actually quite interesting because it's been written by a psychologist and is really easy and straightforward to complete. I scored 27 out of 40. Apparently the average score for the general population is 15.3. This means I'm only about 29% better than everyone else which is shockingly poor. But in my defense I did score full marks in the 'superiority' subcategory. Write down your answers, and check the guide at the bottom of the web-page to see how you went. I correctly answered questions (the bold ones are the indicators for superiority);

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 17, 22, 23, 26, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 39 and 40.

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A little more Ris.

You know what I hate, criminals, or rather people who steal. And it's come to my attention that Ris stole an economics textbook whilst in high school. Her excuse is that someone stole hers first but no matter how you look at it, that is not how Naruto would've acted. I think I'll have to punish her for it since she seems to feel no remorse. Maybe no kissing for an entire week or until she learns her lesson. No, Damien, don't be such a bastard, you're someone's boyfriend now so be a little more considerate and less cruel. Yes Ris, you may continue kissing me, but no tongue until you repent for stealing the textbook. Harsh, but fair Damien, harsh but fair.

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A little more hate.

I also hate it when I try to start a clap in a lecture but no one claps along. Because they're too stupid to know that when guest speakers get up you are supposed to give them a warm reception out of basic common courtesy. Seriously what is wrong with society these days. How dare it make me look slightly foolish by being the only one to clap loudly. Oh wait, now that I think about it, I probably looked really cool in that situation being the only one clapping. Sort of like a hero or role model or cool trend setter.

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No seriously fuck that.

I was afraid of this, it seems that by making me happy, Ris somehow detracts from my ability to hate the world. If you look at the previous paragraph, it had a happy ending with me being a hero figure (bit in green). That's gay. It should have ended like this; 'How dare it make me look slightly foolish by being the only one to clap loudly. Maybe I should've shouted out 'DON'T THEY HAVE FUCKING CLAPPING IN YOUR COUNTRY?' or I could've screamed 'CLAP YOU BASTARDS YOUR HANDS AREN'T JUST FOR WANKING!!' or at the very least just kept clapping until people either joined in or I was ejected from the lecture'.

I vow to try and counteract this newfound happiness, with a redoubling of effort for how I hate the world. Firstly, I am going to grossly overreact at the next small thing about the world that irks me and campaign to destroy it. God, I hope its an immigrant of some sort and not like how my floor tiles are cold. - How would I go about destroying my cold floor tiles I have no idea.

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So yes in conclusion, I am the king of the universe. If you have the good fortune of seeing Ris, feel free to congratulate her on what she must view as something akin to winning the lottery.

Damien. :)

Uni again, a bet, epic.

2009-07-21T12:22:00.002+10:00

My computer has been down for a while, the lack of internet really felt like losing a limb of sorts. You know, a limb that provides you with pornography.

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Uni Adventures
Can't belive uni is on again, seems so sudden but I think that's because my holidays were boringly filled with being sick and pining after Ris. Anyway, I have reasonable hopes for an entertaining and fun semester - anything really to alleviate the crushing boredom that is my normal life.

At my economics lecture on Monday I decided to try and be social, so I found myself talking to the unattractive girl who sat next to me. I was hoping that she would be able to atone for being ugly by being interesting or funny. Sadly this was not the case. Even worse was that she managed to extort my email address out of me. She said "Do you use msn?" and I had to say "Yes" then she said "What's your email?" and I couldn't think of a tactful way of saying; "Sorry, I can't give you my email because you are neither pretty nor interesting".

The worst part is that I was especially good looking in that lecture so she's probably going to start stalking me :( - But I must admit, that it might be interesting to be the 'stalkee' rather than the 'stalker' for once.

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Talking about stalkers. Check out this video of a Japanese chick who is almost certainly going to become a crazy stalker chick. I love the bit where she puts the hat on and says 'Sugoi' (which means awesome) with her eyes screwed shut. It's a mix of cute and incredibly sad and cringe, lots and lots of cringe. The video is 7 mins long, so don't bother watching the whole thing. I think the first 3 minutes are enough to appreciate the complete and total fangirl obsession thing.

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Ris Section
So I made an epic bet with Ris; that I'd be able to convince her to be mine by the end of the week. Foolishly Ris agreed to the bet, has she never seen a romantic comedy before? In what universe does the hero fail to win the girl after making a bet like that? Anyway, with only a week I figure I'd need a pretty epic plan...

Day 1 (Monday): Hang out, touch base. Remind her that I'm quite simply the best company to be had in the universe.

Day 2: Dinner with Lakshamn and his woman. Wear a slightly tight black t-shirt.

Day 3 (Today): Blog update. To remind her why she, like all other women, are at least slightly in love with me. (It's the wit and humour I think)

Day 4: Maybe throw out an email. No one writes emails like I do. If there was a world championship for writing eloquent and smooth emails, I'd win it.

Day 5: Possibly pictionary night with Sharon Tan (btw kudos to you for having the good grace to continue inviting me to pictionary night despite me owning you so hard at it).

Day 6: Dinner again. Probably a pretty serious affair, last chance, all cards on table, drop the flirty crap and be serious for once?

Day 7: Do nothing - as if I need 7 whole days to win a girl?

Oh and after dinner yesterday I was talking to Ris and I said "You know the absolute worst sin is to be boring" to which she replied "Yeah.. That or being fat". LOL. I hate to admit it but I think perhaps Sharon was right when she said "I see why you like her. She's just like you and you love yourself".

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Ah I guess that'll do. Come Sunday night I'll probably update again either telling you how I'm the absolute king of the galaxy or how effective googling 'Quick and painless ways to commit suicide' is. I think it would be pretty interesting if Ris turned me down and I did the whole suicidally depressed but in a stylish and witty fashion thing - but it would result in no sex which is a little fail and makes it not worth it.

Damien!

Zetsubou!!

2009-07-14T21:27:00.004+10:00

Good News: Ris is coming back on Thursday! Its going to be awesome!! I can't wait to see her!

Bad News: Ris and I are not seeing each other. The mutual attraction is there, but for a few reasons it is not to be at this point in time. I could, perhaps, convince her otherwise but I think that the best thing to do would just be to wait until the time is right.

Good News: There's no rope at my house. I looked. Also I'm far too lazy to both buy a rope and learn how to make a noose, at most I'd be willing to do one of those actions.

Bad News: No vacation for my left hand. And he's worked so hard this past month too. Furthermore, consuming 1 gig of internet bandwidth per day is not very sustainable.

Good News: Lakshamn and Sone can play the 'Damien is Lonely' game again. Yay. There are 1.6 million results when I type 'how to make a noose' into google.

Bad News: Maz is going to be smug. Oh dear God that is going to be torturous. 'So tell me again how Ris won't be able to resist your charms?'.

Good News: I bet that guy Maz likes has an STD. or five.

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Stories of Nathan

"Nathan have you finished your assignment/essay?"
"Yes"
"All of it?"
"Yes!"
"Okay..."

After reading a few lines it becomes immediately apparent that this 'work' has not been proofread or edited in any way.

"Did you proof read this..??"
"Umm, crap no. I'll do that later."
"Oh it's punishment time..."
"What?"
"Nothing, dw..."

How to Make Nathan's Essay 66% more Epic and teach him that he better fucking proof read his work or he's fucked.

1. Add million to any figure or number. Example: 'The novel is 620 million pages long', 'He has 2 million children'.

2. Change any and all surnames to pornstar surnames. Example: Dan Brown becomes Dan BrownHead, Robert Langdon becomes Robert LangDong and Vittoria Vetta becomes Vittoria Vaginasaur.

3. Add sexy time. Example: 'this issue is best expressed when Robert LangDong says "Hey baby gimme some sugar" and Vittoria is like "okay daddy". "The depth of his feeling for her was like the combination of a giant penis and vagina". "THIS IS SPARTA!!"

4. Add creative techniques such as hyperbole and metaphors. Example: 'One of the central themes of the novel is revenge, when the bad guy kills her father it is a metaphor for priests raping small children. In the ass. Also the best revenge is a kamehameha.'

5. End with a happy ending. Example: 'And then the beautiful heroine says fuck morality, I'm only human I can't resist something like that! and the hero gets some sexy time.'

I wonder if he ended up proofreading his work before handing it in? Oh well, I bet he'll never forget to proofread ever again. It feels good doing good things like teaching your younger brother a valuable life lesson in an appropriate and reasonable fashion.

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That'll do, it's surprisingly difficult to carry on a blog post when you don't have the will to live anymore.

Damien. :)

Awkwardness it is like a sweet nectar of Awesome.

2009-07-10T16:33:00.006+10:00

Fun with Pei-Lin

Here is a reproduction of one of the funniest conversations I've had in a long time. It is about 90% accurate to the best of my recollection because Pei-Lin is a big girl who won't send me the saved message log. If I had to describe it in one word, that word would probably be awesome. Or supermegaawkwardsaur.

D: "...So how's life?"

P: "Ah same old, say hello to the other people here btw" (Clearly trying to be subtle. I didn't notice, oops?)

D: "Who's there? Is it Rob? It's Rob isn't it? Hi Rob!" (Okay I didn't think he was actually there, I thought it was just Sharon or Melk or whatever)

P: "Ahh.. yes Rob is here..."

D: "Omg LOL seriously?"

P: "Yes.. And now I'm getting kicked off by Rob. Don't embarrass me you idiot." (It's too late to beg now dear)

D: "lol, Hi Rob." (Oh how polite I am)

P: "Umm.. Hi."

D: "Rob, may I ask you a question?" (More politeness, It's nice being a nice person)

P: "Umm.. Sure?"

D: "Are you really 10/10 good looking? Because that's what Pei told me but I don't believe her" (so it begins)

[Awkward Meter 40%]

P: "Haha. funny."

D: "So what are you doing at Pei's house? Are you guys... 'building houses' together?" (Because they're architects)

P: "Yeah"

D: "You do know that 'building houses' is a euphemism for hot sexy time right?"

[Awkward Meter 55%]

P: "Umm, no?"

D: "That's okay. Rob can you turn around for a sec I need to ask Pei something in private"

D: "Omfg, girl! are you finally hitting that? congratulations? We are gonna hi 5 big time!" (This was said after I gave Rob a second to turn around. One second.)

[Awkward Meter 70%]

P: "haha, again. funny."

D: "Oh! Rob! tell me. Have you seen the goddess yet?" (At this point Pei knows what's coming, she knows who the goddess of her household is. It's difficult to imagine the level of her inner facepalm at this stage)

P: "No??"

D: "Just you wait man, when you lay eyes on her sister you are going to get a large erection,
she is off the freakn hook! I remember when I first saw her, I had to make up some excuse to go home and then I came back 30 minutes later wearing a different pair of jeans."

[Awkward Meter 85%]

P: "What??"

D: "Like if Jessica Alba was behind door number 1 and Meagan Fox was behind door number 2 and Pei-Jiun was behind door number 3, well let me tell you there would be a que outside door 3, And then some ppl would go for doors 1 and 2 because they wouldn't want to wait and then they'd come out and be all like "Well Alba wasn't bad in bed, but she ain't no Pei-Jiun". Know what I mean?" (Yes Rob, do you know what I mean? Why don't you agree with me and say the sister is sex personified)

[Awkward Meter 99%]

P: "That's gross, wtf is wrong with you??"

D: "Gosh Pei, he's got good manners to pretend that your sister doesn't mega turn him on. He's a keeper!"

[Awkward Meter > 100% Limit Break!!]

P: "You people are just weird. I'm going to go work on the model house." (Bet he went to have some 'me' time in the toilet)

Later...

P: "Hey man you know she's just using me to make you jealous right?" (Aww Rob, trying to be funny eh? Regain some semblance of control?)

D: "Nah, I'm pretty sure she's over me by now, but seriously though, the sister? Amazing much? How Pei remains straight I have no freakn idea"

P: "Okay I'm going to go again, bye."

Too funny. Btw it's extra funny because Pei has never introduced Rob to any of her good old Ruse pals. So when I mentioned him by name he must've thought 'Umm. How does this guy know my name... Is there some truth in what he's saying?'

I guess the morale of the story is that awkwardness is very very funny. And that Pei shouldn't have been a bad person by not introducing Rob to us, if she had, she could have avoided the entire situation.

Damien!

I bet Christians suck at Pokemon

2009-07-07T18:11:00.004+10:00

Because they'd always press B and reject evolution. Level 36 Charmander vs Level 36 Charizard? Prepare for some serious rape.

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My immune system is being a bit of a little girl and refusing to make my sore throat, cough, fever, blocked nose and muscle pains go away. I wasn't going to go to the doctors, preferring instead to just man up but then I realized that my stomach muscles were hurting from all the coughing. Clearly the severity of my cough/illness is not to be underestimated if even my rock hard abs are in pain.

After getting some anti-biotics, the sickness appears to be receding - but it's still hell on my good looks. I walked past a mirror today and for the first time in a very long while, did not get lost in my reflection for at least 30 seconds. Whilst this meant I had more spare time today, it can't be good for my fragile, normal sized ego.

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Australian Navy - Sex Game

Sailors aboard the ironically named HMAS Success have been caught playing a naughty sex game. A cash value bounty was placed on each woman aboard the ship, which sailors would earn if they succeeded in bedding them: 'sleeping with a female officer or a lesbian, or having sex in a strange place, won more money.' See, the navy is totally not gay. Also, best of luck to Mel the weird gypsy chick from Ruse Class of 08 who is joining said navy. I hope she likes seamen.

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MJ

You know what would really suck? Dying right now. And not just becuase of the dying, but because your death would be so totally overshadowed by Micheal Jacksons'. Everyone would be like 'oh you died? Care factor zero'. And you would be sad. And dead. And did you know that if you play thriller backwards you can hear MJ confessing all the names of the boys hes touched? (That's why its 14 minutes long).

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Sunnyville Nudist Colony

I think this begs the obvious question: May I masturbate if I am standing in front of the bushes?

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Aww No Adventure Time

In Ris related news, I am not flying to HK in an epic move of awesome to surprise and seduce her because I am tremendously sick and she's coming back early anyway. This brilliantly cunning and amazing plan came into fruition one day when feeling rather bored I googled 'cheap flights to HK' and found one for the ridiculous price of $650 return all inclusive. Also, on that day, I heard the 500 miles song (which would have been the epic theme song for the adventure).

However the awesomeness of the plan was not immediately apparent to some people who posed questions such as 'are you fucking serious?', 'what if shes not happy to see you?', 'are you a stalker?', 'how will you find where she lives?' 'where are you going to stay?' and 'no dude, really, can you not be a fucking stalker?'.

The answers to these questions are simple;
1. Yes I was quite serious.
2. She's a woman, when in the history of the universe, has a woman not been happy to see me?
3. No, no I'm not a stalker - it's sweet.
4. I'll figure it out- how big is HK anyway?
5. In her pants? No I'm kidding at a hostel or something.
6. Dude it's not stalking when you're good looking okay, stalkers are those creepy ugly guys.

Ahh, it would've been a shitload of fun I think. & now I have to think of some other outlandish and outrageously over the top way to properly win her heart. Troublesome!

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Off to cough a lot and possibly cry to mum because my tummy really does hurt.

Damien!

Why did Hitler commit Suicide?

2009-07-02T19:47:00.011+10:00

Because he saw his gas bill. - Thanks to Denise (you know the one who went out with Henry?) for this one.

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Facebook Slap

Yesterday my super gay brother Nathan kicked me off the computer to work on his 'assignment'. I tried to explain to him how since it wasn't due tomorrow he really shouldn't bother starting. But he wouldn't listen. Anyway I knew he'd recently made a facebook account, and he's gotten hooked on that 'Mafia Wars' game?

So, long story short I snuck up close to the computer room, then ran in screaming 'FACEBOOK SLAP' as loudly as humanly possible. Then when I confirmed that he was on facebook (because he's noob and slow at closing tabs - Gosh I hope I don't catch him doing porn, that would be so freakn awkward), I slapped him. Oh yeah! Justice is served.

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Man Course!

In other bro related news, the journey towards manhood in not a straight path. There are twists and turns and often we feel as though life is pulling us in different directions all at once. Different goals and desires compete for our attention and oftentimes we seek more than one at a time. For this reason the man course will now have its various stages open to attempt simultaneously. (Truth be told, it's coz I can't think of decent tasks for stage 3. Here are my preliminary ideas for the 10 stage course.

Step 1: Tell me who his fattest female friend is ---- LEVEL CLEAR!

Step 2: Tell me who he likes ---- LEVEL CLEAR!

Step 3: Rip off the shackles of peer pressure - because a man is beholden to nothing!

Step 4: Go camping, find a 100km + track and hike it in 5 days. Experience the beauty that is the natural bushland and then punch it in the face with your mad hiking skills. - because men are explorers!

Step 5: Learn Chivalry, not because it's nice but because women are weak and need men to be champions of justice for them. This involves offering one's seat, opening doors, etc. The task will probably be something like 'Do 100 Chivalrous things in one day', and he'll have to like ride the train system or stand near a door all day to accomplish it. - because to be a man you have to be a hero!

Step 6: Develop at least one skill to the point where you can say there's a good chance you are the best in the world at it. This task will involve me firstly putting a hat on, then Nathan would display his skill or talent, then if I took my hat off to him he'd pass. - because men are the best!

Step 7: Theoretical study, watch rocky 1 to 6 in one sitting. Then go run up some stairs or something. - because men should look like men!

Step 8: ???? - because men fear nothing!

Step 9: ???? - because men have endurance!

Step 10: Find yourself a woman who is out of your league and then win her - because no man is an island, we need woman for things like cooking and cleaning and showing off!

Suggestions for stages 8 and 9 please, try to think of something that exemplifies being a man and a task or tasks which he can complete to achieve that quality. I really hope that he can complete the 10 stages before the end of the year - otherwise I wouldn't feel okay leaving house. I take my responsibilities as role model to today's troubled youth very seriously.

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Tennis Last night

I really, very honestly think, and I'm not even joking, that there should be some sort of handicap system for the ladies matches if you are really good looking. You should get some sort of bonus points or referee benefit of the doubt if you aren't hideously ugly. They could call it 'aesthetic appeal bonus' or 'not being dog ugly and painful to Damien's eyes bonus'

Can someone explain to me how 1. Serena Williams looks like she could eat a whole cow, after wrestling it to death using her fat fat thighs? and 2. Why is Mauresmo allowed to play in the women's division? Is it cos her first name is Amelie? Don't they check to see if you are a girl or not? Do they just assume based on if you have a girl's name or not??

But I watched it last night, until I fell asleep coz it was like past 12. There was this girl playing Serena and she nearly won, but I can't really remember her name... What was it..? Something like... Dementiava or something like that...

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This long ass article

It's just about what men want in a wife, apparently. It's so long so I didn't really read it, I just skimmed and this caught my eye:

Atgemis (some ethnic dude) recalls some advice his uncle gave him: "You're walking through a forest looking for a straight branch, but you're going to come through the other side empty-handed because there is no such thing as a straight branch."

I guess the meaning behind the advice is that you shouldn't wait for the perfect branch or else you'll end up branchless. I don't really think this advice is applicable for me though, because I don't like fucking branches. I mean I've never tried, but I can't imagine it being nice. Most branches I've seen don't even have orifices.

Talking about orifices, that Andre guy on MasterChef is such an asshole. I actually don't really care about MasterChef, nor do I watch it, I just thought that this is a pretty funny segway. I likes me some segways.

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That'll do I suppose. I would have included the funniest msn conversation ever, if dumb Pei Lin (the one with the super hot sister) would let me.

Damien.

p.s Yes or No? Don't ask what the question is, just answer based on intuition.

A couple of ground rules.

2009-06-28T23:42:00.007+10:00

The following is a basic list of rules which come into effect from now and will last for about a month. Everyone is expected to abide by and inform other people of these rules for the betterment of society.

1. The words 'Short term' and 'Long term' are not to be mentioned in my presence. ever. If they are I am liable to slap the offending person whilst screaming 'WHY YOU STUPID IDIOT DAMIEN, WHY?'.

2. It does not matter how frequently I sigh, gaze off into the distance and then proceed to tell you how pretty Ris is, you are obliged to sit there and just listen anyway. This rule was written mainly for that bastard Lakshman :)

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Okay, Can't really have this post being a testament to being hopelessly smitten so I've included a couple of random articles/videos.

Michael Jackson - It don't matter if your black or white... when you're dead.

I actually think it's a little sad that he's dead, I find it really tragic when super fame and fortune just fucks people up. I think its about the complete lack of privacy and being hounded by the public that does it. I hope the celebrity caused by this blog doesn't affect me, or Ris, in the same way.

But sincerely, rest in peace Micheal Jackson. You were the king of pop. I've been watching some youtube videos and the moonwalk is just so impressive. Also don't come back to life as a zombie like you did in Thriller. That would be fucked.

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Is this real or fake?

It's a video about a kid going absolutely bat shit crazy because his Mum has canceled his World of Warcraft account. I leaning towards fake because of what happens at 1:10, but the crazy arm flailing and how he goes all red is making me think it might be real. Either way it's pretty funny.

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Most awesome holiday idea ever?

Daily Machine gun hire: $7.50

Ammunition per 100 rounds: $12

Being on a cruise ship that deliberately sails slowly to bait pirate attacks so that you and your fellow passengers can use your hired machine guns and rocket launchers to play real life Halo: Not priceless but about $6000 a day.

If things get out of hand there is a guard force of ex special forces dudes on board as well. The website claims that the story could be fake which is a bit of a bummer. Pirate hunting sounds mad, I wonder if they would let me use a sword instead of a machine gun?

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Seriously though, what am I going to do for a whole month? There's only so much pornography on the internet, sigh :(

Damien.

Toast, it has but one weakness.

2009-06-21T18:58:00.007+10:00

And that weakness is how my mouth feels really dry and uncomfortable right now. Am going for a glass of water. Okay back, anyway, talking about things which only have one weakness (yes, best and most subtle segway ever) I think I've figured out why Ris hasn't fallen into my arms yet. I realized it when I spontaneously came up with this joke:

Why aren't funerals held at night?
Because they're for mourning.

I think its pretty clear that the problem might be that I'm just a little bit too funny. Is it intimidating? She's pretty witty herself so it shouldn't be an issue should it? And even if it is an issue, like the dryness of toast, it's not something I or the toast can really change :(.

Sigh, on a serious note though, I find myself forced to reevaluate the situation and whilst I'm still pretty sure that it will happen - it's going to take a little longer than I thought. Patience is a virtue but its neither exciting or fun.

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Dinner with the evil Maz Monster

On Saturday I insidiously tried to win Maz to the cause by having dinner with her. I thought that maybe she'd just forgotten that I'm probably the best and most awesome person that she knows, and that if I could just remind her of that then she'd ally with me in my noble crusade. There were two memorable exchanges;

1.
Maz: "I just don't get why you're so confident that it's going to happen"

Me: "The way I see it, is that firstly she's probably the most awesome girl I know"

Maz: "Yes, Agreed.."

Me: "And I'm almost definitely the most awesome guy she knows, so its only natural that it's going to work out. It's quite simple really."

Maz: "Um.. No." [with added facepalm.jpg]

2.
Maz: "I think your blog persona and your real life persona are merging, the line has become blurred."

Unfortunately I don't think she meant the 2nd one as a compliment, but after some reflection I see it for the compliment that it is. You see my blog is my Tyler Durden. And if the disparities between it and myself are lessening then that can only be a good thing right?

Anyway long story short Maz still thinks that if you look up 'unworthy' in the dictionary there will be a picture of me grinning and waving like an idiot which is pretty gay. But you guys know me, I'm not one to be bitter or resentful. Even though I'm sure Maz's influence is highly detrimental to my cause I fully respect that her motives are pure and it is all, at least in her mind, for the defense of her friend. That said... I do have one tiny suggestion that I would like to very respectfully make.

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Good Morning Maz

It's Monday morning and Maz is on msn.

Maz: "I've been awake for 25 hours and 10minutes, not sure if driving home right now is such a good idea."

Damien: "I'm sure it'll be all right"

And before you laugh and think 'omg Damien you absolute son of a bitch', look at this photo and then when you laugh realize that you're a bastard also.

Sigh this blog post isn't going to help my attempts to be less funny at all. In fact I think it's one of the funniest ones I've written in a long while. This is some consolation for the fact that I HAVEN"T DONE ANY WORK TODAY I HAVE A FUCKING EXAM TOMORROW WTF AM I DOING FUCKS SAKE.

Am going to go beat my head against my desk for being stupid then have a nap then do some study.

Damien!

Where is the hate?

2009-06-20T11:35:00.005+10:00

It's happened again hasn't it. That damn debuff (a spell or effect which hinders your hero's abilities, by reducing armour for example). I've gradually fallen into 'smitten mode' (-5int and -5 charisma) and it's showing with the low quality of recent posts. Sickening, I know.

So I'm going to try and claw my way back up with a back to basics approach. What is the basic fundamental underlying motif of this blog? No, it's not being super witty and charming at all times. It is in fact hate. Intense, hyperbolic, beautiful hate of oh so many many things. Let's get some form back Damien, & here we go.

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Uni on Saturdays

Is actually not as bad as you might think. The air is quite refreshing, it's distinctly cleaner and less full of the trash that is the general university populace. Really it's a lot nicer with less stupid people around, maybe I should put up some fliers for manual labour jobs or how the dole is a perfectly normal and respected way to live out the rest of your life.

Admittedly there are still a few fobs around, but their numbers are drastically reduced. Furthermore with no coffee shows or eateries open they lose the ability to congregate in large annoying masses of cultural indifference and hyper ugly women squealing and doing the V for Victory pose. Fuck me, I'm not sure that all the cool things to come out of Japan make up for their women popularizing the V pose. I wish someone would just punch them in the face whenever they do it and shout 'V is for Violence BITCH!!' But I can't do that because I respect women.

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Friends who do Med - But mainly Varun.

Look, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that you do med. One day you'll be saving lives. Probably not as many lives as Spider Man or Batman, but I'm sure it will still be at least a little worthwhile.

What's not cool though is when you give me a pamphlet entitled 'Get ready to play', which informs me of sexually transmitted diseases and HIV AIDS. Whilst I do think it is important to know about these sorts of things, I must draw the line at a practice described by the pamphlet as Felching. I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that God-awful word. It is the most disgusting word in the existence of all humanity. It's even worse than rape and abortion and superannuation and lesbian.

If you don't know what it means, then good. Really good for you. No sarcasm intended whatsoever. Please resist the temptation to find out what it is. You'll regret it afterward I'm sure. Especially when licking ice cream from an ice cream cone when you are down to the cone part which sort of looks like an orifice. Too far? yes, it probably was. And no I don't think I can ever eat a soft serve ever again. I hate you Varun.

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Winter

Tis the season of my discontent. The one thing I really hate in the world is when ignorance breeds happiness or contentment. You see it all the time with noob religious types who are happy because they haven't really thought about the issues at hand and have dumb faith that everything is as it should be. You also see it when it's Winter and you have heaps of happy couples holding hands. Sure it's okay when a hot couple do it; if you've got a nice pull you should show it off by all means. But when you see ugly people doing it... I don't know, I just really feel the urge to go up to them and explain how they have no right being happier than I am on account of being in a relationship because both of them (or at least the girl) are damn ugly. I'm not one to bitch and moan but, can there really be a loving God in a world with such injustice?

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Cock Blocking

In an article for the New York Press, Joshua Bernstein describes it as: "A foul act in which someone interferes with another’s attempt at finding happiness inside someone’s pants".

Cock Blocker of the Year Award

No, unfortunately there isn't really such an award but if there was I bet Maz would win on account of taking the lovely Ris on a ROADTRIP next week, soon after which she is headed overseas. Am I arrogant enough to think that the sole purpose of this roadtrip is to keep Ris from my loving embrace? Yes, of course I am. What an incredibly devious and insidious plan! In fact one might say it was SUPER BADASS. And as such has earnt her an invitation to my super villain club. [Yes, the collective is bigger than you or me or petty differences, we are untied in our super badassery]

Whilst I am quite peeved at the increased difficulty of time constraints this poses. I must, grudgingly give some kudos to Maz, it is... somewhat... commendable that you are willing to stand in the way of the unstoppable force of nature that is Damien's charm.

But you still suck :)

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Wow. Not quite as much Hate as I would've liked or been capable of in my hay day, but a good effort nonetheless if I do say so myself.

Cheers,

Damien

Instead of studying, I looked up procrastination on wikipedia...

2009-06-18T12:14:00.004+10:00

Also I'm going to spend a good half hour writing a blog post, because it's 100% man. My friend Justin said that the last post was a bit of a filler (now for those who are not anime inclined, a filler is a random story or adventure which has nothing to do with the main plot). In this case the main plot would be the pursuit of Larissa, and the filler would be the random anecdotes I wrote about last week. So I guess Justin was right, probably on account of being a dentist (because they do fillings).

Anyway the simple reason that there has been no Larissa Section is that apparently there is something known as a 'grace period' during which you are not supposed to seduce a woman in an outlandishly charming fashion. Another reason is that I've come to the realization that I don't need to run game this time, we're simply so compatible that a relationship cannot possibly fail to eventuate. So, on to some more high quality filler!

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This photo can be accurately titled: Super Cringe Fail [You have to open the picture coz Blogger cuts it off a little]

Just look at the guys expression! It's so intensely sad. And it's juxtaposed against the supreme hotness of Megan Fox which makes it doubly tragic. I'm guessing your plan was give Megan Fox a flower, and then proceed to deflower her (at least this would have been my plan in your situation), but seriously dude why are you wearing a gay pink t-shirt and shorts. This is easily the most fail photo I've seen today, not even Megan Fox's surprisingly ample boobies make up for it. I feel sadface for that guy.

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In other news my brother completed stage 2 of the 'be a man' course! I was seriously so proud of him. He said he doesn't really like anyone at the moment, but if forced to choose; would pick this girl named Ryda. He also said not to tell anyone. Lol. And he was a little pissed when I told him about stage 3. Double Lol. Then at dinner I asked if he would like some CIDER, and told him this hilarious joke:

What happens when Ryda eats too much cake?
She gets wider. lololololol.

Before you ask: No, despite having a reasonably hot name, Ryda is not hot at all. This is just a guess on my part, I did not go and look at his school grade photos because that would be just a little bit too pedobear. But why is her forehead so big, why?

Anyway, as you know stage 3 is about how men do not succumb to peer pressure and outside influences, we stay true to our internal beliefs. But what tasks can I give him to teach him to deny peer pressure?? I've been thinking and thinking about it, but can't really come up with anything. If you have any ideas, or jokes about Ryda, please post a comment and I will be eternally grateful.

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That last photo was too depressing. Here is something which makes up for it in terms of awesome hilarity. [You have to open the picture coz Blogger cuts it off a little]

I would honestly buy this board game just for the cover. It makes my day.

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Leviticus

On family guy last night Stewie quoted Leviticus 18:22 in which the Lord flat out says homosexuality is wrong and punishable by death. This sounds like my kind of bible passage so I went and read Leviticus. It is freakn hilarious.

Verse 18 is entitled 'Unlawful Sexual Relations', it includes 13 separate lines about no sex with relatives. My absolute favorite is 18:18 'Do not take your wife's sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living'. First of all, what the fuck is a rival wife? second, don't you just love the added disclaimer of 'while your wife is living'?

19:19 'Do not mate different kinds of animals'
19:29 'Do not degrade your daughter by making her a prostitute'

I also found evidence which supports my theory that God was based on Naruto. You see Naruto has this thing where he says 'dattebayo' or 'believe it!' at the end of many of his sentences, sort of like a ridiculously awesome catch phrase. Anyhow in the space of two pages, (Verses 18 and 19) God says 'I am the Lord' 21 times. So either our God is a bit insecure and neurotic, or he wants a cool catch phrase like Naruto.

Okay am going to do some work now. Or take a nap. I haven't decided which yet.

Damien.

Oh Google, me too.

2009-06-11T16:33:00.004+10:00

Google and it's predictive Text.

Google search engine uses predictive text, this is where if you type something in, it will try to guess what you want to search for to help you out. So for example if you type in 'Chuck' it will suggest 'Chuck Norris'. Fair enough. Try typing in 'I am' and see what google suggests...

'I am Australian' - 36 million results
'I am Alive' - 67 million results
'I am Pregnant' - 24 million results
'I am Extremely terrified of Chinese people' - 120,000 results

Lovely. Good old Google and it's don't be evil motto evidently does not extend to racially discriminating against Chinese people. Of course I'm not offended, I'm impressed and in total agreement! good on you! Maybe if you keep that sorta stuff up I'll invite you to the SBC.

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The Man Course

So my little brother (Nathan) turned 13 recently and I've decided that he simply isn't man enough. I came to this conclusion when he was telling me a story about one of his female friends and I asked "Wait, is Sarah the super fat one?" (she is), to my horror, Nathan was unable to say "lol yeah" instead he said "umm what do you mean... umm no shes okay...". Surely you must agree that this is absolutely sickening and unacceptable.

So, I told him that Stage One of the Be a Man course would be to tell me who his fattest female friend was. The thing that differentiates a man from a little girl is that a man is able to face the harsh realities of the world and not need to hide behind niceties and pleasantries. If you ask a girl who her fattest or ugliest friend is, odds are she won't be able to answer you for fear of being 'mean' or 'slack', real men are not thus encumbered! Anyway to my great relief Nathan was able to complete stage one and said Anne was his fattest friend, to which I replied 'Lol don't lie, as if she's fatter than Sarah', but apparently she is. lol and lol.

Stage Two of the course was to tell me who he liked knowing full well that I would annoy him with it. This is because men are never ashamed and never embarrassed! More importantly, men are never afraid of being teased because Men can man the fuck up and not be a little sook about it. Unfortunately Nathan has thus far been unable to complete stage 2, hiding behind the excuse "No, I'm not giving in to your dumb peer pressure kor".

Hilarity will definitely ensue when he completes stage 2 to discover that stage 3 is about how men do not give in to peer pressure. Fun times lay ahead.

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Take one seal hat, one unattractive Asian woman prone to overreaction/crying like a little girl, add a giant polar bear and what do you get? This...

It's priceless because everyone one else is displaying absolutely no reaction whatsoever, they seem to understand that polar bears cannot magically teleport through glass walls. I mean seriously! Look at the girl she basically just GG's herself on the floor, what a freakn noob. That is just too funny.

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In other news I'm feeling super motivated with regard to studies and exams, this is because I had thought I was failing, literally failing, Applied Corporate Finance. I was certain that I had failed the 30% midsem. When there is a 10 mark question (out of 50) which you leave more or less blank - you know you're a little fucked.

Anyhow it appears that the universe simply will not let bad things happen to good looking people; I was scaled up to 18/30 and have done unbelievably well in all the other assessment tasks - I just need about 70% in the final and I'll have a D overall. This means that I can finally hit a term HD wam since I'm the king of marketing.

Anyhow the morale of the story is that everything always works out for good looking people (Because God loves us more than he does the ugly people) and we shouldn't worry about anything at all :)

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"Back to the study cave robin",

Damien.

High hopes for a good risult.

2009-06-09T11:46:00.008+10:00

Watched the delayed tennis last night, Congrats to Federer for winning the French open and not crying too much about it. I made a small observation though, which I'd like to share with you. His girlfriend Mirka Varinec has the best personality of any woman in the entire universe. This isn't just my opinion, rather it is the application of logic to arrive at an infallible truth.

Three things. One: Mirka is so, so ugly. Two: Mirka sounds like merken a fair bit. Three: Roger is the best tennis player ever. When you consider these facts (the last indicating that Roger could have almost anyone he wanted) it becomes clear that she must totally max out personality to be getting to hit that. So good for her. I hope he doesn't get... fed up with her. lol.

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In other news, I professed my eternal and undying love to a girl named Larissa last night. Contrary to the reaction one might logically expect; 'Oh Damien, take me now oh baby oh baby'. She managed to reply with a great ice queen email. The game my friends, is well and truly on.

So, as always, let me first justify why Ris is a girl worthy of my lavish attentions:

1. Larissa is a hot name, the contraction to Ris is also very hot.

2. Ris is a girl, but she plays dota. and from what I gather is pretty good even by boy standards.

3. Ris not only watches anime but owns a Forehead protector. - don't worry it is a Konoha one.

4. Ris once kissed a girl at a party, in order to prove the girl wasn't a lesbian...

5. Ris is not bounded by the normal rules of logic.

6. Like me, Ris is not only awesome but well aware of it.

7. Ris is arrogant and secretly understands how she is better than at least 90% of the people she knows. She's fairly proud and deservingly so.

8. Ris does the false modesty thing, when asked to rate herself she said 8, but is without a doubt just trying to be modest and not seem stuck up. That's cute.

9. Ris is superficial, so if courting her becomes too hard I can just cheat by taking my shirt of and instant winning.

10. Ris has got the ice queen thing down pat. Also she can banter well.

11. Ris has thus far resisted swooning, or is very good at covering it up. Probably the latter now that I think about it some more.

12. Ris is highly intelligent and has a great sense of humour because she finds this blog funny.

13. Ris is super charming for a girl, something akin to Natalie Portman in Garden State.

14. Ris has the tomboy thing going pretty intensely, but she's intensely pretty at the same time. (re:11, yes this is definitely 100% swoon inducing material)

15. Ris is unique. She genuinely makes me laugh, not in the 'I'm laughing at your banter just because I want in on your pants' kind of way.

16. Most importantly, Ris is not nice. Whilst she may appear nice on the outside, she has reasonable amounts of cynicism, sarcasm and all round bastardry on the inside. Love it!

17. There are other, more private reasons, which due to my high levels of tact and general restraint I am unable mention here. But trust me, they're hot reasons.

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Now I must admit that the list I've just written comes from the land of super rose tinted goggles that I always wear when smitten. That said, I am being quite sincere and am reasonably sure that they are all accurate.

Hoping that he hasn't finished the chase too easily or quickly (because noob bashing is the greatest sin of the universe);

Damien

p.s And just so everyone is clear, in the post where I say I give up the lesbian and am going to pursue something more risky. That's a reference to Ris okay. And it's a freakn smooth reference too. full stop.

p.p.s Also she's not a noob, its just that in comparison with me everyone is pretty much a noob

A tough decision

2009-06-08T00:30:00.003+10:00

What wins? The level of my gloves or the level of my morality? It's simply too difficult a decision for a person to make, even one with my levels of charisma. Lol, good one Maz.

Anyway I know the fairest way to do it, it's simple really. Just a coin toss. Heads I'll go with the gloves and start the game, Tails I'll flip again. Fairness is the foundation of any civilized society.
.
.
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.
.
.
Here we go...
.
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.
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Oh, it was Heads. Looks like the god's of probability want me to hit that? Thanks horny gods of probability, you guys rock!

Damien!

I is sorry, reallys.

2009-06-04T12:10:00.011+10:00

It has been brought to my attention that I owe a huge apology to the hot lesbian. Apparently her relationship (with a girl, ugh) is on the rocks and they've implemented a temporary split.

Look, seriously I am really sorry. You seemed pretty happy with her and in retrospect I shouldn't have messed that up by making you constantly think of my penis.

I'm not arrogant enough to suggest that it was 100% my fault; but, lets be honest, it would be a bit unrealistic and foolish to pretend that it was less than 60% my bad. So whether it was 60%, 70% or whatever I am truly sorry! What's this feeling in the bottom of my stomach? Is it guilt? God, this feeling sucks!

I would offer some sort of sexual compensation but even though it would make you feel better for 2 to 3 hours straight, it would probably be detrimental in the long run.

In summation, I am deeply sorry that your attraction to me ruined your current relationship and wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

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Lighten Up!

I don't like it when my blog gets too serious or deep and meaningful so I'm going to keep writing a little and try to lighten it up.

Firstly there's this blog I found which makes me laugh so much, almost as much as when I read my own blog to remind myself of how I'm better than everyone. It's this hilariously morbid first dictionary for children. Here are my favorite two entries;

lol. just lol.

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Tom Swiftly

This is a type of pun that I did not know existed. This is difficult to believe seeing as how I am the master of puns, don't believe me? well last night I said that the paralympics were lame, eat proof doubters!

Anyway a tom swiftly is where you use an adverb with the word 'said' to create a hilarious pun. Some examples taken from the internet are;

"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly.
"You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily.
"Take the prisoner downstairs," Tom said condescendingly." (this one is a double - awesome!)

Anyway, I haven't really gotten the hang of them yet... or have I?

"Hello" said Pearl hoarsely.

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Bye!

Damien

p.s - In case it wasn't evident in my apology, I've decided to give up the lesbian. Guilt is this strange disgusting feeling that is really uncomfortable, I hope you guys never have to experience it. But where to go from here? What's harder to win than a lesbian? It would have to be something equally improbable, difficult or at the very least risky.

How do farmers count their cattle?

2009-06-01T20:35:00.008+10:00

With a Cowculator. Lol. It's been a while since the last post but its nice to see that I've still got it. Have just been really overwhelmed by assessments and assignments of doom and injustice. I had this graph that I wanted to draw up and scan but can't really be bothered, this post will just have my two regular sections; SBC and Lesbian. Enjoy.

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Super Badass Collective Section

I am currently working on a Charter for the SBC, I figure we'll need one since the UN has one and we'll eventually be just as important. But more important than a charter is recruitment! I believe I've found a worthy member in Canada's Governor General; Michelle Jean. Check this shit out yo!. In support of seal hunting, she participated in a hunt, one hit killed a seal with her ninja sword and then ate its STILL BEATING RAW HEART. THAT's FUCKING BADASS MAN!!

In fact it's so badass that I've decided to write an email. To the Governor Generals office. Whose email address is info@gg.ca. Which is pretty damn cool as well.

Apparently if you want to send her an email you must use her proper title which the information website says is:

To, Her Excellency
the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, C.C., C.M.M., C.O.M., C.D.
Governor General of Canada

I am writing to you because of a news report I read yesterday. It said that you ate the raw and still beating heart of a seal. That was, in my humble opinion, super badass. So much so in fact that it has earnt you an invitation to join my super villain club known as the Super Badass Collective or SBC for short.

We are a fledgling organization and membership is currently completely free. That said, membership to this exclusive group is a privilege, not a right. It is offered to you on the provision that you remain super badass, if you should fail to conduct yourself in a satisfactorily badass manner membership may be revoked without notice.

There will eventually be a newsletter and some T-shirts that say SBC on them. Also we will have a charter of evil and various leadership positions you may be interested in.

I have also taken the liberty of attaching a picture I drew which might help you reach a decision.

Yours, Sincerely

Damien Yong, Leader of the SBC

In case you were wondering, I'm not joking I really did send this email out. Hopefully I'll get a nice reply.

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Lesbian Section

It's becoming more and more difficult to concoct genius lesbian seduction plans. It's really stretching the limits of my creativity and imagination. That said, I of course never fail to deliver and thus here is Ultimate Seduction Plan of Justice 12.

Step one, Wait. Insidiously. Bide my time as the lesbian grows complacent and gains a false sense of security.

Step two, On one specific day of the year ask the lesbian to sleep with me, if she says yes, then I will proceed to sleeping with her, if she says no I will inform her that it is not opposite day. Yes. Think about it...

Step three, after realizing that that means it is actually opposite day and that her previous statement actually meant that she would like to sleep with me - sleep with the lesbian.

Step four, bask in my own awesomeness and pat myself on the back several times.

I am very sad to say that this plan, unlike the others that I have concocted may be slightly flawed. After doing hours of research online I've found that there is actually no proper, internationally recognized opposite day. This is ridiculous. There's a 'lets dress up like pirates day', how is there no opposite day?? I will use the influence of the SBC and my own puppet mastery skills to convince the entire world to adopt August 4th as opposite day. Go forth and spread the word of your savior (me) to the heathens of the world, tell them of the glory of August 4 and it's righteous oppositeness.

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That'll do!

Damien.

The SBC.

2009-05-27T19:38:00.006+10:00

Cyber-bullies post video showing six ways to kill their classmate

Firstly it should be noted that these 'cyber-bullies' are a group of year 6 girls lol. They've gone and posted a youtube video called "Top 6 ways to kill Piper", the ways include; shooting her, poisoning her, pushing her off a cliff and making her commit suicide. This is just goddamn hilarious! It sickens me that these girls have gotten into a heap of trouble over it; really what does it say about the American schooling system when attributes like creativity, humour and teamwork are punished instead of rewarded??

Unfortunately, the humour of the whole situation is somewhat ruined by the fact that Piper is pretty hot. Not in a 'I want to tap that now' kind of way, but rather in a 'Damn, I will want to tap that in 5 to 6 years' kind of way. The girls, whilst having their collective hearts in the right place, have forgotten or perhaps were never aware of the golden rule that states: good looking girls are not to be discriminated against. ever. On account of being good looking.

I am inspired though, I feel... a sense of kindred spirit. Which is why I am formally announcing the formation of the Super Badass Collective. Any super badasses out there may apply for membership, but please only apply if you really are super badass. The standards are quite high, just look at my previous record. (Is it a little pretentious to link to my own blog? It probably is, but then again I am a little pretentious). Anyway the SBC will begin operations immediately. I don't know what this entails but will let you know as soon as I figure it out.

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Netbank

There is an advertisement at Central station for Commonwealth Netbanking. It simply asks the question; "is netbank easier than walking?" and then proposes a compelling argument as to why this is so. Walkng takes two legs, netbank only needs you to move 1 finger.

I really, really really really, felt a connection with this advertisement. Somehow it just really, appealed to me as a lazy person. Seriously I am going to use netbank the next time I need to pay for something. Brilliant.

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Seikon No Qwaser

Sometimes people say to me; "Oh Damien aren't you a bit too good looking to be watching anime?". The people who say this invariably do not understand the depth and the awesomeness that is anime. What other medium can allow the universal expression of almost any idea or concept in an artistic way? Take this anime for example. On the surface it might seem simple and childish; you have some dudes who can manipulate certain elements and they go and fight other dudes and then there's some cool action scenes and some drama and twists and whatever. But anime is rarely one dimensional; the dudes get their powers from breast milk. Yes you read that correctly, they derive their magical abilities to manipulate matter... from breast milk. Their nurses follow them around everywhere in case they need to replenish their magical breast milk derived powers.

What more needs to be said? The advent of internet acronyms has made this easy for me:

LOLOLOLOWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

(Just realized that it's much easier to type LOLOLOLOL than WTFWTFWTF)

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Lesbian Section

A source close the lesbian has confirmed what I had suspected all along. The lesbian has recently been quoted as saying "why doesn't he realize, the fact that he has a wily means that it's never going to happen?".

Yes, the lesbian has been thinking about my penis. Probably at all times. Can I say that I'm surprised? No, that would be lying. I know a lot of you were worried that the lesbian's seduction might not happen but from the above it can be seen that I am well on track. After all you can't spell Damien without 2 of the letters of the word WIN. Oh yeah. - Note to self, test viability of this as new motto.

However I must admit my interest levels are waning with her effective declaration of defeat and surrender. Yes I am perfectly aware of how vain this must make me, but remember I am a damaged, dangerous, enemy of the system, super badass collective leader so it's perfectly acceptable to be vain.

That is all!

Damien!

Live long and prosper.

2009-05-23T22:05:00.007+10:00

Just watched the star trek movie. I thought it would just be Star Wars without light sabers,it was better than I had expected, but not nearly as good as people had claimed it was. Yes I do wish I could enroll in space academy, No I do not wish to have sex with some fat green chick. Also I would make it clear that everyone knew my name because in the Star Trek universe, once your name is known you are invulnerable. Curry Captain guy at the start of the film? What's his name? No idea = dead in 5 minutes. Random 3rd guy who does the space jump thing - 'Since people don't know my name, I'm just not going to activate my space parachute oh no splat'. But other than that, it was quite tops. Great epic musical score, reasonable dialogue, good special effects. Pretty decent.

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Has anyone seen ted.com? It's a collection of lectures from leading men and women about almost any topic imaginable. It's highly entertaining and educational, I really rate it. Check this one out. The guy in it not only has really cool things to say, but he has a thick Russian accent and looks like Rocky. Awesome. I am. Inspired. So I've spent the last day or two trying to think about what I could lecture on, what do I have to offer the world besides ravishing good looks?

The answer is 'The is it worth it graph of justice.'

You'll have to open it in a new window so that it's big enough to see properly.

Breakdown!

The green trend line represents combination bundles of hotness and difficulty/effort which are efficient or acceptable. For example the hotness level of 9 correlates to a difficulty level of 7 for equilibrium. The trend line, at first, will see a little haphazard and strange. Do not fear. It will become clear once it is explained to you. Firstly you will note that there is a section of the graph labeled 'the D zone', which encompasses hotness levels of between 0 and 5. If a woman is in this zone she will be desperate (hence the d zone) and you should not expect any differences in difficulty. A woman with hotness level 3 is almost identical to one with hotness level 4. Now you may be wondering why hotness level 2 and below see an increase in difficulty level; this is due to the fact that if you are going for a woman who rates 2 or below you will have to fight the gag reflex and also endure the quiet scorn of society.

The point (5,1) is what I like to call the 'Desperation Threshold'. From here on, there is a positive correlation between hotness and level of difficulty/effort required.

There is a marked increase in difficulty between hotness 5 and hotness 6. This is because a woman who is a 6 will rightly believe that she is better than the average woman, and wrongly believe that this should afford her some degree of added respect.

There is a linear relationship between hotness levels 6 and 9.

As can be expected there is a steep increase in difficulty when moving from hotness 9 to near perfection at 10.

Generally speaking, girls who are above the line are not really worth the difficulty for their level of hotness, where as girls who lie beneath the line represent good value; especially with the current global financial crisis.

Where does the lesbian lie?

Besides in some random woman's bed and not mine?

As you can see the lesbian was on the point (8,10). (Small red x)

She was moved to the point (9,10) (larger red cross) because she receives the 1 point 'hard to get' bonus for not wanting to sleep with me. This variable isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. It's hardly applicable to normal people and since, with regard to myself; less than 20 women in the world qualify, it's pretty irrelevant for me too. It is important in this situation though as it lowers the lesbian producer surplus a little.

As you can see the lesbian lies far above the green trend line. By taking the shaded area of lesbian producer surplus we get a value of about 18.9. This figure represents the degree to which the difficulty to get into her pants exceeds the value of what is in said pants.

Contrast this against a hypothetical woman who exists as shown on the point (7,3)
We see that because she is below the line, she yields consumer surplus, which is good for you. Essentially you are receiving something which should cost an effort of 5, for a mere 3 units of effort.

Conclusion!

Actually now that I think about it. Since I am prone to REJECTING COMMON SENSE AND MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE, This graph is really not that applicable for me. I guess, in that one respect, it was a slight waste of time. But if Ted want me to I'll still give a lecture on it.

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This is the funniest joke I have ever invented. It is a bit late, but I came up with it when watching the Dodge Chrysler ads which feature Obama jokes.

Q. Which group of Americans gave Obama the largest proportion of votes during the election?

(You'd think it would be black people but....)

A. It's the Homeless!

(Coz they wanted change.)

hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha. Man If I'd come up with that during the election race - there's a good chance I would've won a Guiness World Record for funniest life form in this galaxy.

Damien Out!

(am holding up my palm to the screen in the Vulcan gesture for farewell)

Masochist Metre - at near full capacity!

2009-05-19T10:39:00.002+10:00

Has anyone heard about Annice Smoel? Shes the Australian who was arrested in Thailand for stealing a $30 bar mat from a bar. She was facing up to 5 years imprisonment. It just goes to show that Thai people do not fuck around. Maybe she'll go to jail and learn how to kick box and come out 5 years later and become some sort of rambo like superhero.

If however this story outrages you because of its stupidity and extremity, as it has done many people and even myself when I first heard of it then let me tell you some good news. Here is a photo of Mrs Smoel.

As you can see, she is quite ugly. Therefore her fate simply does not matter and we can put the whole issue to rest, hurray :)

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Worst T Shirt Ever.

On the train on Tuesday I saw an Asian guy with a tight black T shirt that said "I FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND" on it. I literally said 'What the fuck!?!' and then felt embarrassed because I was in a crowded carriage. Was he gay? I don't know. Surely a straight man would not ever, ever wear such a T shirt. Sickening. I hope he gets a new type of aids that makes him spontaneously explode. Hopefully at a gay bar thus infecting other gays who will then innocently wander into other gay bars and explode. EXPONENTIAL PROBLEM SOLVING!!

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Lesbian Section

Was talking to a friend about the lesbian and the idea of 'deal breakers' came up. It's an interesting concept so I gave it some further thought and came up with a list of my Deal Breakers:

1. Smoking

2. Littering and/or a lack of appreciation/respect for Captain Planet.

3. Being freakishly tall. Like to the point where it looks disgusting and might even be something of a disability, anything over 170 really.

4. Thinks Sauske is cooler than Naruto. (i.e. is mentally retarded)

5. Has a lisp. I juth wouldn't be able to take her theriothly.

6. Is nice. God that shits me, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

7. Has no feet. (One of the most important things about a girl is her soul..)

Of course it must be noted that I am incredibly superficial, if you have one of these deal breakers, but are crazy hot I'll probably let it slide. For example the lesbian is smoking hot (yes, pun intended. Again, it's always intended). However I don't think I would make an exception for preferring Sauske to Naruto. I'm not interested in retards. Unless you are like a 10. Or a 9. Or an 8, as long as you never ever ever mention it.

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Lastly there was an article in the paper about how the new driving test requirements have led to large drops in P plate licensee deaths. The article said this as if it were a good thing. I wonder if SMH has ever heard of Darwin, of natural selection? If you are an idiot 17 year old shit, who thinks its cool to drive really fast (and unlike me is not a drift king after watching Initial D/Fast and Furious) and then you subsequently crash and GG yourself? well that's just too bad! Hurray for the human gene pool?

What do you call a guy who died in a motor accident? A carcass hahahaha. Believe it or not I made that one up just now. Unfortunately I'm going to have to end the blog post here, so that I can go pat myself on the back a few times. For being hilarious.

Damien!!!

What's something that doesn't get old?

2009-05-17T20:58:00.002+10:00

It's the news! Hurray! Today's post is about a few news articles that I've read recently.

On the front page of today's SMH was a story about Charlotte Lindstrom, the Swedish woman who was jailed for soliciting hit men in 2007. The article was about her parents attempts to get her extradited to Sweden. Apparently she has been battling anorexia, and her stint in prison isn't helping. This raises serious morale issues with Australia's criminal justice system. Should the various benefits of being in prison be factored in when deciding a person's sentence? Clearly there is a difference between an overweight girl serving 5 years - slimming down in the process, and an already slim and hot girl serving 5 years with no such perks. It's really quite unjust.

It's also ironic that she's in jail for hiring hit men, and that said jail time has resulted in men who now would hit that.

May I direct your attention to Exhibit A: You will notice on the left we have the new, pretty and anorexic Charlotte, contrasted against fat Charlotte on the right.

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I laugh with scorn at this article entitled; "Tall men earn $1000 more than short ones". Is this for real? Can I really expect to earn an extra $1000 for being tall? that sounds ridiculous but if its true then that's pretty cool isn't it. In an interview with some professor dude, he said "There's not much short people can do about it, At the moment they can only try and stand on a box". But seriously guys, let's not discriminate against short people, I would imagine they have feelings just like normal people. Sure those feelings might be smaller but they are feelings nonetheless. But, to be fair, short people are good at some things I suppose, like wielding axes and drinking ale.

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Matty Johns!

Did anyone watch the four corners bastardizing report on Johns and group sex 'victims'. Sickening. Reminiscent of FrontLine in its attempts to demonize and tear jerk. Pathetic. They had the 'victim' sitting in shadows talking with blurred features and voice - you know so she sounds like shes on the verge of tears. The fact of the matter is that it was consensual, there was a police investigation at the time which cleared the players of any legal wrong doing. Basically its just about a woman having a cry because she felt like 'a mere sexual object' - 7 freakn years ago!

Firstly, why hasn't anyone explained to her that women are mere sexual objects? It's general knowledge that a woman's earning power is more closely correlated with what she looks like, than whatever levels of intelligence she might have. Where did she get this ridiculous notion of 'deserving respect'? I honestly think that if you are the type of girl who is up for random group sex that you are trash and a little bit awesome.

Secondly, I don't see what the big deal is about group sex. All the women I see partaking in it online seem to enjoy it heaps.

Thirdly, did you know that 9/10 people enjoy gang rape...

Lastly, before the feminists get their collective knickers in a knot, don't get angry at me for being chauvinistic and discriminatory. It's just the way the world works okay. I'm sorry. If you are still mad, just take a deep calming breath, count to 10 and then go do some housework - trust me, it'll cheer you up.

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Lesbian Update.

Like with 'she who must not be named', It surprises me that I am able to unfailingly post something or other about the lesbian. I mean, it's not always substantial but its always there and that is not an easy thing to do.

The hot lesbian was recently upset with a mutual friend of ours. One could say that she was quite unhappy. But I think being unhappy must be a normal state of existence for lesbians, as happiness is really just an anagram for 'penis pash' which lesbians, unfortunately for them, do not do.

I did not discover said anagram for myself, I read it somewhere. I wonder how it can be turned into a workable pick up line. The 10 points from last weeks secret part 2 plan of lesbian seduction is still up for grabs. Maybe I'll make this 'points system' a recurring thing. Actually it's quite appropriate for the current topic.

Okay! 10 points to the best adaptation of 'happiness = penis pash' into a workable pick up line. and 5 points to the runner up. Get those creative juices flowing people!

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Damien!

p.s Did Damien discriminate and make fun of short people in this post? How strange... Surely this proves beyond any reasonable doubt the he is not short and in fact tall and dashing.

Julian Lee you son of a bitch!

2009-05-14T11:01:00.002+10:00

Really short post, weekly update posted previously.

Am at uni. Just got the paper, and on Thursdays in the business section there is a page of 'Media and Marketing' news. One of the main writers is a guy by the name of Julian Lee. Usually he's somewhat amusing and interesting because he writes about pretty much anything, I think the editor gives him a lot of lee way with what he can do.

But today... He went too far. Let me quote:

"But every three or four years, Foster's puts its finger in the proverbial dyke and launches a marketing campaign to staunch the flow of market share".

Seriously. Can there be any doubt that the world revolves around me? I mean I always read the marketing section on Thursdays, and there has never been anything remotely lesbian related. But now, when faced with misgivings as to her overall awesomeness - the world becomes saturated with a flood of gay.

Also I am kicking the shit out of the crossword today. But what the fuck is the capital of Nepal!?

Damien.

Late Update

2009-05-07T20:57:00.004+10:00

I'm so bored right now. And not just at this very instant, but in general. Am in dire need of something to amuse myself. Surprisingly, concocting genius plans to seduce the hot lesbian and then failing to deliver them appropriately is not nearly as fun as one might assume.

I've been told by various people that perhaps, just maybe, it might be time to move on. As I gave this some serious thought the universe has conspired to influence my decision (by making lesbians appear everywhere); once again proving that it does, in fact, revolve around me.

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1. Crime and Punishment
After my crime and punishment nightmare, I'd been reading the book at a slow pace. I could tell that the protagonist was going to fail to man up and then give himself up - this is not cool. Anyhow I read and read, and got to the epilogue where the book had this to offer:

"We shall not convey to the reader the details of the conversation, or the tears of both women, or how intimate they became..."

Damn you Fyodor Dostoevsky! clearly you wrote that sentence 150 years ago just to mock me!! Well Fuck you, You're dead now!! Balls to you.

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2. This Japanese Ad.
Whilst procrastinating and not watching porn online, I came across (lol), this ad for Oasis Water. The first 5 seconds yield a high level of WTF, which is compounded by the fact that the girls are obviously lesbians. Goddamn it. After that the ad just increases in WTF, but it is quite funny.

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3. On the train
I saw this girl with short hair. ARGh!!!!! Fucking lesbians!!!!!!!

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Conclusively; the universe does in fact revolve around me. Furthermore, after much reflection, I realize that it is not time to give up on the lesbian, instead it's time to reveal Phase Two of "The Slow and Insidious, yet Ultimately Inevitable Conquest and Subjugation of the Very Hot Lesbian" plan. It can be surmised into one simple word, but to keep the hot lesbian guessing, I shall tell you the word in code/puzzle:

"+125% Mana Regeneration! +5 HP Regeneration! +10 Damage!!"

10 points to whoever figures out what the word and thus the plan is, besides Sone.

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Med Revue Review

Went to Med Revue last week on Friday, wasn't expecting too much really. I can however say that it exceeded my expectations and that I laughed 5 to 6 times. Here are a few choice excerpts:

"If I was on Gladiators.. I'd call myself Newton - Coz I'd be a unit of force!"

"Diarrhea - the gay man's period"

There was a skit with an Asian waiter trying to serve a Jewish man some pork dumplings. She said, in a fobby accent; "Oh you Jewish? Don't worry we use electric oven, not gas oven."

Susan Boyle has been hired as the new face of Virgin Airways, a spokesman for the singing sensation said that she perfectly reflected the Virgin Brand. "In that same vein, we are also looking at a sponsorship deal with 'Face like an Arse airways'...."

"Did you say you had chlamydia??"
"No, I said I was from India"
"Oh.. That's much worse."

Oh and there was of course this, from the programme. If you can't figure out what it is then, let me just draw your attention to the girl kneeling in the front row who appears to have a huge penis.

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That'll do

Damien.

Say Cheers 10 times really fast...

2009-05-07T10:31:00.009+10:00

I am a creature of habit, one of which being that after I get off the bus (from the back door), I will raise a hand and say a quick 'cheers' to the bus driver. I thought it was called common courtesy. However, it apparently sounds like I'm shouting 'jizz'. This is ridiculous, and the only way for me to tell if it really does sound like that is to try saying 'jizz' instead of 'cheers' and see if anyone notices. Hurray for experiments.

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What's more potent than a slap in the face... From Macgyver?
A two handed slap that is so powerful it makes Macgyver fall down and some random guy who was no where near ground zero to fall down as well. Notice how the guy who gets slapped basically just dies.

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Borderline
There is a fine line between pathetic obsession and classy/tactful obsession leading to overall awesomeness. Like me, this guy has managed to stay on the right side of that line, so good on him. I bet he could pull all sorts of chicks with those things.

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Lesbian Section

So I used ultimate seduction plan 11. Unfortunately the hot lesbian didn't really get it, so I had to explain it which made it much less smooth. Seriously, who knew that being a noob was such an effective defense? Anyway, I can now reveal ultimate seduction plan 11:

Ultimate seduction plan 11.
"Hey Melody, did you see that movie on sbs last night? It was called straight women say no..."
"Uhh.. no?"
Then snigger and suppressed laughter.

After some reflection, and let me first say that I'm not entirely sure of this, But I think I might actually dislike the lesbian a little. She has certain unappealing traits which I was unaware of due to severely rose tinted glasses. I've also noted that despite this realization, I still really, really really want to sleep with her. Is this weird? or does it just highlight my intense superficiality?

This requires further meditation. This picture however does not. Tourists are so funny, it's only when they stick around for too long that they become annoying fobs.

Alrite, cant be bothered to keep writing

Damien.

Being Healthy just means dying at the slowest possible rate.

2009-04-30T11:52:00.009+10:00

Feeling morbid today. It's rainy, I've got this annoying group work crap due tomorrow, life can be surmised as being quite blurg. So basically, I'm wearing both my grumpy and morbid pants.

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One liner
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
Because he's black. lol

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Swine Flu
I'm really having difficulty understanding why; why would anyone in the whole world go about fucking pigs? Exactly where are you deriving sexual gratification from during such a union? I mean its not the same as with bird flu, I can see how with their beaks and feathers they could be somewhat appealing. But not pigs, never pigs guys, that's just porked.

It always amuses me how the bible tells us its not okay to sleep with animals. How hilarious is it that it was clearly such a prevalent problem for Christians that it deserved a specific mention??

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Gender?
Signed up to do this marketing research thing for ASB and had to fill out an online form to be part of the focus group. There were three options for gender. Male. Female. and Trans. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY THESE DAYS. WHY DO TRANSVESTITES DESERVE THEIR OWN GENDER CATEGORY, HOW MANY OF THEM CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE RUNNING AROUND BEING DISGUSTING TO WARRANT THIS??

My hate for transvestites is a rational judgmental choice. It is in no way influenced by that time someone told me to watch a 'miss universe' pageant without telling me that it was for dudes who are now dudettes.

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News Article: Kenyan Women begin week long sex strike.

I don't know what they are protesting and I don't really care. I just think it's really sad that no one has explained to them how a sex strike is not going to work since they are ugly. Seriously, all this is going to achieve is a temporary resurgence for the prostitution industry.

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Nigerian Money Scam
Was in a lecture yesterday and we were talking about the Nigerian Money scams and it really got me thinking. How much ass would it suck if you really were a Nigerian Prince who needed to get 500 million dollars out of the country?

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Lesbian Section

I think the advent of prenuptial agreements is such a scathing mark against human society. It's so incredibly materialistic and against the supposed ideals of marriage. It's like saying 'I love you, but since it might not work out I want to protect my assets from your greedy gold digging slut hands'. And that's just not right, which is why I vow not to take one with the hot lesbian.

In other hot lesbian related news I was trying to be smooth whilst talking to her but it was a bit of a wasted effort.

Hot Lesbian: "So, how's life?"
Heroic Damien: "Ahh it's pretty mundane, haven't seen this girl I fancy in a while"
(Note, have been to busy to go to psych lectures to stalk the hot lesbian for a while)
HL: "oh whys that?" - (I'm clueless and your smoothness is wasted on me)

Clearly she failed to realize that I was subtlety charming her, perhaps it's still all too much of a dream for her. I know many women would probably still be thinking "no way, he could have anyone he wanted why would he like me??", or something like that and that could be why she didn't realize I meant her. Or it could be that my undying and eternal love is as insignificant to her as superannuation to a Muslim, but I think the former is far more likely.

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Lastly, and probably leastly:
Here we have an youtube video entitled: Ricky Jay penetrates a watermelon. Don't worry, unfortunately it's not what you think or nearly as cool as it could have been :(

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That's a wrap!

Damien.

p.s because they're probably a suicide bomber, duh.

Looks like Dusty wants to see if it's a little dusty up there.

2009-04-27T21:57:00.009+10:00

You can't spell Procrastinate without pro... or ate, Fuck I'm hungry, but it's hard to find something yum for breakfast :( Nothing real exciting has been happening to me so this post might be a little light. Or I might just rant on, who knows - we shall see.

A quick 25 Second video of goodness.

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Next up a news article entitled, "Lancaster County student accused of exposing himself in class". The article is quite short but I quite like this extract:

of exposing his genitals in the front of his English classroom and masturbating while calling out students' names

It highlights something which I think people have lost touch with. The nature of compliments. I bet none of the students who had their names called out realised that they were in fact being complimented, yes it's a bit gross but they still should have been flattered. I hope they erect a statue in this guy's honour.

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Has anyone seen the Woolworth's red spot sale commercials? Basically Woolworths do this red spot sale where discounted items have a red spot on them and their commercials generally involve an employee talking about special sale items. Anyhow, we were watching one with a curry employee named Thinesh, and he said "Just look for the red spot". Then my brother, bless his soul, says "Lol but there's nothing on his forehead, lololol". Unfortunately he actually said lolol instead of laughing.

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Here is a short clip, it's from America's funniest home videos so you know it'll probably be shit. And it is. The only thing that saves it is what could possibly be the funniest commentary of all time.

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Lesbian Section

Amazing foolproof lesbian pant access plan no#10 has been concocted!

I can't ruin the surprise just yet but I will tell you that it is much, much more devastating than foolproof lesbian seduction plan no# 7 which was basically;

"hmm. What is a major difference between guys and girls, that I can effectively use to show the lesbian that men are far more tops?"

Of course the list was too extensive so I picked one at random 'hairy legs'. The plan was simply to wear shorts to a lecture thus revealing the manly forest down there and making the lesbian like men again. Unfortunately it happened to be really cold that day and I didn't want to stick around until 7, so I went home instead.

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My friend lily told me a rather disturbing story last week. It was about a guy who liked a lesbian and tried to woo her, only to get subsequently bashed. yes bashed. by the lesbian's girlfriend. I don't really know how a guy can get bashed by a girl but apparently it's happened before.

You might now be thinking 'oh Damien, what if the hot lesbian's girlfriend tries to bash you?'. Look I appreciate the concern but let me put your fears to rest; I can do 16 and a half push ups (with a small break after 10, I think that's the format they use for the Olympics anyway). And sit ups? Don't even get me started, I'm not one to brag but if I had to say a number I'd have to say 27. And that's with no breaks at all.

So you know what, the hot lesbian's girlfriend can go right ahead and try to bash me, she'll probably break her hand on my abs of steel.

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Okay, I'm Sorry for the excessive media content, it is a cheap way to blog I know. But this ad is priceless. You will never, ever, guess the tagline or the product being peddled until it tells you. Japan your contribution to the world has been amazing, especially since people compare you to Korea which has just produced 37% of the world demand for training bras.

Okay Seriously have to get some work done, hopefully more interesting stuff will happen later today and I'll blog about that.

Damien out.